A Birthday Wish

The birthday weekend has been fun. We went to a party on Friday night. Saturday we had Christmas brunch with my family and it was filled with lots of Christmas and Birthday presents for both J and I! Then last night was our Friends Thanksgiving party, equipped with an excellent turkey and fixings, plenty of booze and the yummiest of birthday cakes for us.  I was pretty tipsy (ok drunk) and cried a little when I got home.  Happy tears for how lucky I am to have such a wonderful life filled with the love of many people and maybe a sad tear or two for what I want that I can't have. At least right now.

Today has been great. Out for crepes for the birthday breakfast, a lovely nap, and just a pizza on the way and snuggling with my hub. Exactly what I wanted today. Everyone should do what they want on their birthday. Unfortunately there was no candle in my cake last night but J promised me today I would have dessert of sorts, with one candle, with one wish that I hope to come true very soon.

TVT

My First Thought Vomit Thursday. Here goes:

• I weighed myself on yesterday since going to the gyne a week ago and the good news is I was down 4 lbs. Which is great. I have been good about writing what I am eating down and still working out. I think maybe 2 lbs of that was bloating pre period weight anyway last week but I will take what I can get. Soo hooray and still motivated.
• I have been reading many posts about the lack of Christmas cheer in many of us and I am right there with you. It is more of an up and down for me. I am sad we have no baby. But then I think I have a great life with so many good things I should just be thankful for that. Just feeling defeated this year, no real accomplishments to make note of and ready for just a fresh start in a new year.  And so damn emotional. I am teary eyed listening to Christmas carols. I don't know what my problem is with the tears. I do however have no problem belting out Last Christmas by WHAM (best version ever) of course. 
• We'll be in Denmark this year for Christmas which I do love, because it is like that picture perfect Christmas postcard. A small band of Santa's playing music in the square, a little market in the mornings selling different beers,  cheese truck and Christmas decorations. Small shops, drinking glogg. I am hoping to find my cheer there. We did get ourselves to put up a mini tree, some lights inside our condo and a wreath so it is kind of around us but even shopping, I am more annoyed than cheery. I am happy to say however I will be finished shopping tomorrow.  We are doing breakfast with Santa with my family on Saturday to give our nephews their gifts. 
• And it's my birthday weekend. The big 36 on Sunday.  And I am going to make it a happy day. My husband and I are going to have a pretty low key day (his birthday is actually Monday). Maybe a little pizza (my fav food), maybe a trip downtown to see the Christmas lights, hit the German market, hmmmm.
•  I got my hair highlighted yesterday and I look like pop star.  HATE IT. Needless to say it is getting fixed at 11 today. 
• Also yesterday I went all the way to the gym, got pissed there was no parking and went home. No parking at the gym or near the gym for three blocks! I drove around for 10 minutes then said screw it, I was going to miss my class. There is just too much going on there at the time I go to spin, tons of kid classes so there are moms and kids and strollers everywhere and if I do not leave early enough, the annoyance of lack of parking due to all the mini-vans makes me insane. I love the irony of how I wish I was one of those moms in my way.
• I just wish I could stop feeling guilty for having the blues. There are tons of people in this world who have nothing and  have so many things to be thankful for. It's just a roller coaster this month. 
• Thanks for listening to me rant out there.

A Major Award

And my first blog award! Had to make the reference from the movie The Christmas Story. 

A shout out and thanks to both Rebecca at Pink Lipgloss & Prenatals and Megan at This Space For Rent for giving me this award. Both lovelies are in the midst of their 2WW and I hoping and wishing they get the best Christmas presents ever, lil ones growing in their bellies.

So now the rules of the award:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award! (check)

2. List 7 things people may not know about you. (below)

3. Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and notify them as well. (The hard part is trying to pick other bloggers who have not been chosen already. If you have received the award from someone else, just ignore my nomination.)


Things about me:


1) My name is Amanda. Joy is my middle name because my birthday is near Christmas (in one week to be exact). I kind of wanted to be anonymous on this blog, kind of not. But now that I know I am part of such a great community, I think you should know my name. 
2) When thinking about the name for my blog, I kept thinking of the movie "The Outsiders" where Matt Dillon is preparing for the fight with the Socis and says "We gotta do it for Johnny". It kept going through my mind.  So were doing all this bruhaha for a babe. 
3) I have lived a life of "I Never Thought I" (I'm sure we all have, if you think about it). I never thought I would have lived alone (8 years), travel outside the US, have gotten married after 30, met my husband on the internet, that he would be foreign and that I would ever have an issue having children, let alone not have one by my age.  There are plenty of other things I could add but we would be here awhile. Oh life, you're so funny and interesting. 
4) I was the first President of my grammar school in 8th grade. Politics is one of my least favorite things to talk about. 
5) My dream would be to own a sandwich shop. Just a small one in a corporate setting, open for breakfast and lunch only M-F.  I love to cook and whenever I make a new sandwich or bake something I like, I always tell my husband it would be included in the sandwich shop. 
6) The most stressful moment of my life (thus far) was the Monday before my wedding. You would think because of the standard stuff, am I going to get everything done, is my dress going to look ok, will the DJ show up, is it going to rain. Oh no. I was worried that the Icelandic volcano would not stop erupting so that the air space would open for my husband's family to fly in for the wedding. (Don't worry, they all made it in by Wednesday evening, in time for the rehearsal dinner Thursday)
7) I have two tattoos, a dolphin on my thigh I got when I was 18 (foolish me) and the Chinese symbol for Happiness in my ankle I got when I was 25. 


I am passing this award on to the following bloggers:


1) Cattiz @ Colours of Cattiz
2) Angie @ Random Thoughts from Angie
3) Mrs BubbaT @ A Journey Not for the Lighthearted
4) justagirl-Krista @ My Infertility Road
5) Emily @ A Blanket 2 Keep
6) Rebecca @ Trying Not to Scream
7) Kayla @ Life is Simple, It's just not Easy
8) Beckie @ Beckie's Infertility Journey
9) NV @ Baby NV
10) Lil Dreamer @ Bean Dreams
11) Mag @ Witty Infertility
12) Nic @ Trying for a Baby
13) Lovely lady @ Many Many Moons
14) Michelle @ The Yount Happenings
15) SLESE1014 @ Fertility Frustration

Bad Day with a Delay

Sorry I have been MIA everyone. I have been reading your blogs but slacking in the commenting. I plan on catching up this week. I have not been too busy just feeling blah I guess. I started looking for a part-time job. So far so good. I actually had an interview with our Chamber of Commerce that I thought went well and will find out this week if I got it. I have an interview with a bridal shop Sunday. Slowly but surely hopefully I will be back to working. I miss some things about it.

Thanksgiving was good. My aunt who had been living in Turkey for the last 25 years (she was in the military) has moved back to the States and spent it with us.  Great to see her and to catch up. I was thankful for having my family and friends. And I really did not let the non baby thing phase me. I am proud to say I am about 40% done with Xmas shopping. Need to get it all done before the 19th before we jet off to Denmark.

Yesterday was my second acupuncture session. I swear it is relaxing but after I just felt weird. Kind of on edge. I was suppose to go to the movies and decided not to because I was just not in the mood anymore. And the mood carried itself into today.

Today was my yearly exam at my gyne. He's been on my shit list as they have cancelled and rescheduled this appointment 5 times. Yes, 5. Lucky for them my schedule is flexible. I did forget how much I like him as a doctor. But today was just not a good day. From the time I woke up I was just still crabby and I knew today was not going to be a good day. Maybe it is because I am getting AF, maybe the holidays and my birthday around the corner I just don't know. I didn't go to my normal morning spin and I got in a huge fight with my husband before I left. So I was already twirly when I got into to see the doctor. He asked me how I was and I answered ok and then broke down crying. I had not done that in awhile.  And as much as I really let the baby thing role off my back most of the time, today it just came to the surface. I have been ignoring it too long and pushing it to the back of my mind. January seemed so far away and now it is around the corner. Even when I read your blogs. I ignore my own scenario and concentrate on all of your stories.

We talked about my first IVF round and just how I am feeling about everything. And I think I am not as ok with everything as I thought. He did suggest a maybe talking to someone and gave me a therapist recommendation and luckily she also works PT at my RE's office. So someone to talk to plus an advocate at the office, perhaps that may be good. I think I need it. Also, we discussed I need to lose weight and before the next round. So I think I am now pushing the round off until February instead of January. I am just not feeling mentally ready again yet, and definitely not physical. And I have the greatest of gifts of having our insurance pay for two more rounds, I am not blowing another chance because I am in a rush to make this happen. I know it seems cowardly, at least to me, but I failed the first time because I wasn't ready and didn't believe so I am scared if I cannot get my head around this 100% why do it again. It is worse enough the sperms and eggs and the rest of our bodies don't care to cooperate, but the mind is the worse part of this to not control.

Anyhow, at my appointment I asked him about my RE, if there were others he would recommend... He told me to definitely do another round with my RE, but he felt if this round does not work and we get no frozen embryos again, I should think about going to CCRM and Schoolcraft.  Which just made me feel sick to think about. But I am putting that out of my mind, no need to be getting ahead of myself.

I think the funniest thing about the whole appointment is I was completely unfazed during the pap. I was like, "Oh, you're done?" Walk in the park compared to the IVF cycle ultrasounds.

When I got home, hubby and I made up and talked about my appointment. He's on board with February.

Sorry for the long rambling post...I probably should be be blogging more, even with nothing going on in cycle land.

Stopping the "What If" theory

Tuesday night I went out to eat with two of my lovely friends. The place we went to was great, good martinis and Italian tapas. I regretted the splurging a bit at spin this morning. Anyway, one of my friends met a guy about 2 months ago. He lives in a different state and we were debating on whether or not she should invite him to our Friends Thanksgiving in Dec. So she had some reservations (all for good reasons) but I told her, "If someone ever ask me for one bit of dating advice, I would say "Stop living in the What If" and just do it. Take a chance." I dated for a very long time before meeting my husband. A few serious relationships in my twenties but spent three years in my thirties, on and off on Match.com. I dated all sorts of guys; it makes me soooo mad I did not document it all better, it would have made for a great book. Anyhow, I love that I can give that bit of advice NOW but was so clueless when I was dating.

And then I started thinking about other things and I live in the "What If" all the time! I think everyone does in some ways to weigh out options in any type of decision making. But it is when it prevents us from truly living and experiencing where it gets complicated and when we are afraid. It makes me mad at myself. Like I am not living enough in the now because I am constantly worried about the future, trying to prevent anything bad from happening. I am doing it in my career choices or lack there of, my relationships, all over the place. So my New Year's resolution came early. I need to stop waiting for things to happen because of "What If" and just start do things, taking chances and stop trying to control everything. Because it really is no way to live.

Acupuncture - First Visit

So my first acupuncture visit was yesterday and a success. Really good. The woman is so nice and came recommended by a friend. The first needle that went into my right foot between my big toe and second toe hurt, like a dull pain, then it felt like blood rushing through so I guess it was working. Another in my ankle, same on the left foot, three in my abdomen, one in each of my thumbs, wrists and ears.  I felt very relaxed. I had a headache come and go throughout it but I was fine after. I am excited to go back. Three more weeks then I will go once a week regularly until the at least the end of my next IVF cycle.

Which much to my excitement, I found out today our insurance covers three rounds of IVF not two as I thought. It makes me even more hopeful and very happy.  I have been trying to do the math on when my cycle can start in January but it looks as though we may still be in Europe at the date of the start of my shots. Hmm, have to figure that out. I guess worse case it would be February.

Other than that, boring over here in IF land.

Preparing

Can you believe it is November already? I swear summer was yesterday. Glad to gear up for my favorite holiday Thanksgiving! And then J and I's bdays mid December and then Denmark for Christmas.

Just trying to get all my ducks in row prior to the madness. First, going to see my gyne this month for the good old annual.  Like there has not been enough going on down there this year. I really want to give him an update on how our IVF round went and just let him know our future plan. Also talk to him a bit about our RE. I think if the next round fails, we will move to a different doctor and place. Also, my first go at acupuncture is next week. I spoke with a friend who had a successful third round and she used acupuncture. She transferred three and did get pregnant and has the cutest baby girl. She had a natural birth, no drugs or anything but she thinks her labor went so fast and so well because she had acupuncture that morning. So hopefully it is something that works for me and I can continue to use even after IVF. I think this baby thing is stressing me out more than I think. I recently got fitted for a mouthguard at the dentist because I have been grinding my teeth. And I can tell I have been clenching my jaw. So hopefully between the acupuncture and the guard, I can get to a place of zen. Because I really cannot think what else is stressing me out.

Lots of talk this last week about next year. J and I talked today about our FSA and how much money we want to put in for next year. Lucky for us our insurance will cover one more IVF round but then we are on our own money wise paying for any future rounds.  I wish I could just see into the future.

I met my friend Dru last night for dinner. We go way back. He was a client of mine at my old job and then he moved to the city where I live and we became friends. He and his partner were the ushers in my wedding. He works for a bank and may be looking for a contractor to do some work for them and he is thinking of using me. It wouldn't be till early next year and it would probably only be for 6 months maybe so it is a win win for both of us. Hope it panes out. Not working can be BOR_ING. Great to be able to do what you want some of the days but I think I just miss the social aspect of working. And a new challenge with new people would be nice.

I am kind of hoping 2012 gets here as fast as fall did from summer. I know I am mentally ready for what ever lies ahead and I am excited again. Even excited for injections!

Workout Update

I finally got into a good workout routine. I needed to change it up a bit. I am kind of over running. It just takes so long to really be good at it building endurance and stamina and if you fall off the wagon, its like starting over. So I bit the bullet and joined a gym which would seem like a waste of money because we have a workout room in our building. But I am more motivated when I have somewhere to go. Plus with not working it has been a great habit to get into. I ended up joining the Y. There is a nice one buy us, cheaper than most gyms and it is only month to month, which totally is great for when we do our next cycle, I can quit and then go back when I can workout again.  I have been taking spin classes but  I really need to start going on the weekend too. I know I would be losing weight if I could just sew my lips shut. I have lost a few pounds but nothing to write home about. Ugh.

J had another workout with "The Babymaker" aka our embryologist. Apparently he was wearing a Manny Pacquiao shirt (famous boxer) so J started a conversation with him about the Philippines. The embryologist is Filipino and J told him I was too and that we went there on our honeymoon. So they were sharing stories about some of the places we and he had been.  Glad they have a continued dialogue going.

So I need to keep it up in the workout arena. I've been feeling great at least. Those endorphins, always a good pick me up.

I'm not ready at least not for

Youth Sports. J and I were are my nephew's football game this weekend. Poor team, didn't win a game all season. And I was saying, "If my kid played like that, I would tell him this." I had tons of opinions. I found myself being frustrated with some of the kids and parents. I told Dane that maybe the reason we are not parents yet is because I am not mature enough for youth sports. God thinks I need a few more years to mature be able to deal with all the politics and drama of it all. Seriously. So good thing if I have a baby soon, there will be at least a few years until we enter the youth sports arena.

Maybe Later

I have not been posting as much as I usually do, guess with not too much to say. I have been keeping up with everyone else's blogs however. It is funny, the more you read someone's blog the more you feel you know them. without even meeting them.

Another friend of mine told me she is pregnant today. We used to work together and we were pretty tight. We are the same age, started the same year and always shared our boy stories and irritating work issues. Her and her husband just got married this past April (we share the same anniversary, mine is just a year earlier) and they are in the process of buying a house and now having a baby. I am truly happy for her and excited!

And I thought it would make me feel sad, or resentful but not at all. So maybe later. If this journey o mine gets longer and more treacherous. But for now I am happy for everyone getting pregnant. Many of my close friends are pregnant or will be trying for the first time or second time again soon. Many of you bloggers out there are currently pregnant. And I am sure some of you are all rolling your eyes right now thinking, "We'll see how long she feels that way." And that may be true but not today.

Boring...

Just feeling kind of eh. I get in a funk every now and again because I feel I just don't know what I am doing. I know we are going to do another round of IVF early next year, the holidays are coming up and we'll be traveling but I just think I need to be doing something else. I do enjoy the freedom and flexibility of making my day what I want it to be but I am not really feeling a purpose right now. One of my friends told me this weekend, "Stop feeling guilty. Just enjoy this time. It won't be like this forever." She's right, I wish I was not feeling guilty but at times I do.

I found out on FB yesterday too that the girl from high school I mentioned in this post is pregnant. When I was at the clinic for my baseline, she had to be going for her beta to have announced it yesterday. So another successful IVF pregnancy. Kind of got me down but I'm fine.

I decided to start looking into finding an acupuncture place because I plan on doing it starting now through our next cycle. I called one today and am waiting to hear back when I can go check it out. Good 'ol AF arrived yesterday and I actually totally forgot it was time to have it, but it did light a fire under me. I am going to email one of my RE's nurses this week to get the ball rolling for the next round.  I am sure I have to call the insurance company again and go through all the approvals again, etc. I figure I can get it all out of the way now before the holiday madness so we are ready to roll in Jan.

I had lunch today with my dad and he brought me some things my mom and my sister had gotten at the Catholic store. A St. Gerard (patron saint, Expectant Mothers) necklace, statue and prayer card. I was happy to get them because I was going to get one anyway. Sweet gesture.

Oprah has a new show on her network called Lifeclass. The first episode was yesterday and it talked about our egos and finding a way to step away from them in order to find our true selfs and happiness. It was interesting.

I am so boring this week, just dealing with random things. J is out of town for a week which is no fun. I miss having him around. I'm going to make us a nice welcome home dinner Fri. night.

Seems all my preggo blogger friends are all doing well and I am glad to hear it! I really do enjoy reading everyone's progress, so keep it up!!

Workout Buddy

J has taken up Cross-Fit the new fitness craze as his workout drug of choice. Yesterday he came home and was like you are never going to guess who was in my Cross-Fit session today. I guess they all go by nicknames (J's is The Dane) They have a board where they keep track of their progress but they do it by nicknames. He is working out and looks at this guy and thinks to himself, I think I know him. He looks on the board at the guy's nickname which is "Babymaker" and he figures out it was our embryologist. J talked to him and asked him if he worked at our RE's office, yes and J proceeded to tell him you were our embryologist, it didn't work, this was what we transferred blah, blah. And I guess the guy was really nice...told J I usually remember names not faces, (figures, scientist) but you should absolutely try again, sometimes the body does not know what to do, and I think it can for sure work for you guys based on the ratings etc. So completely promising, which I already knew from our RE but I really did not want him to be our embryologist again. But then I thought maybe J can get in good with this guy so that he can have a vested interest in us. Then we may want him to be our embryologist again. And maybe with a vested interest, he'll be better at communicating and play some special attention to our case as opposed to treating it like any other day at work. We'll see how it pans out but just totally random. We live in a major city, but this guy works at the suburban IVF clinic where the lab is and this workout session was smack dab in the middle of the day. Maybe coincidence, but maybe not.

Psychic Readings

I needed another post today on a different subject. I had purchased a mid Century dresser and nightstand (one on Craigslist, one at an antique store) and had them refurbished. We had them delivered a few weeks ago but they had been sitting in our living room and we finally had time this weekend to move them on in. So I was cleaning my old nightstand and I found this journal that contained notes from all of my past psychic meetings. During my twenties, my friends and I would go see this coffee bean reader. She was Greek so you would go to her house and she would make Greek coffee, you would drink it and the remains of the coffee would dry onto the interior of the cup and she would read it. We did for fun but of course, who doesn't want to maybe know their future? In reviewing the notes over like 4 years (one reading a year) a few things showed up about kids. In one reading I have a note that says, "Mishaps prone with pregnancy...questions marks in the pregnancy line." In a later reading I had asked about kids (the pattern was in most of these I asked about marriage, kids and jobs) and she saw me having only one child, prominent near my pregnancy line, a little girl.  And then in my very last reading from 2005 (which I know was a totally different lady who read tarot cards) there is a note I would have a child at least a year after marriage (check), as late as age 35 (check) and only showing one. By no means do I believe 100% in this stuff, always more for fun, but it was interesting to see some parallels.

Innocent comment

I was just talking over text with a friend of mine who recently got married. We used to work together and she is a good friend. I met my husband on match; she met hers about 6 months later on eHarmony. We both had long engagements and she just got married a few weeks ago (week before the fun city wedding and day of beauty). Last time we had dinner she told me they wanted to have kids right away so she was going to go off BC right after the wedding. So today we were texting and she asked how everything was going. I told her it didn't work (we had found out right before her wedding) and that we were going to try again in early 2012. She commented that maybe in the meantime we would get pregnant naturally. I told no, it really cannot work that way for us, gave her a quick synopsis of the sperm situation, J's surgery and how the sperm are frozen away at our IVF lab and that IVF is the only option. And then I made a joke about me never having to worry about birth control again.

It was nice of her to be hopeful that another option may work for us, but I did explain IVF is hard to understand unless you are going through it due to the many factors. Everyone's situation is soooo different, it blows my mind. It's funny that the fertiles or potential fertiles are kind of naive and uninformed to all of it. And God Bless them. I wish none of this on anyone. I just wish it was easier to explain.

Yeah I want one of those

Today I went to see a good friend/ex co-worker friend who just had a baby girl. She had two sons already, 12 and 9 and always wanted to have one more and always wanted a girl. When she found out the sex, she was so happy. So today I went to see her. First I stopped at Baby GAP to get a present (P.S. everything in the store is 30% off this weekend; code is GAPFALL) and let me tell you they had the cutest stuff. The dresses for baby girls for the holidays were ridic and off the hook. Any little girl would be a true fashionista.

Anyway so when I got there, she had just got done feeding her and I got to hold her. She is perfect this baby. Perfect mix of her mom and dad. At three weeks old, no face trauma from labor or anything, great skin, just perfect. And she just let me hold her without making a peep just being her cute sleeping self. I looked down at her and thought I totally want one just like you.

I think I forget sometimes or put it in the back of my mind how MUCH I do want a baby. I downplay it almost. Like if I think about it too hard or too much, I'll jinx it and it will not happen. Right now, I let our every day lives, hanging with our friends, being into each other and making future plans without a baby take precedence in my mind. I just do not want to get obsessed with thinking about it all the time. And as much as I have been putting it in the back of my mind, I really felt it today, I WANT A BABY. It made me teary eyed looking at this baby and thinking I may not get one of these precious little beings. But it also made me more determined. To do whatever it takes to have one. Why am I waiting to do this again when this is what I want? I should be signing up to do it all again right now. But in my heart, I know the timing is just not right. I'm scared to rush into it again and perhaps, fail again.

I think I was a little naive about how I would feel about all this when starting IVF. That it would all be ok and just work out, it was just something we had to do and it wouldn't be that hard to deal with it and the emotion of it all. But it is hard. Way harder than I thought.  I know tomorrow, and a month from now, etc. it may not be as hard, but today it is.

A Good Sign

Happy Monday! Weekend was fun, wedding was fab. This morning we had our follow-up appointment with our RE. It was raining the whole drive there and I did not sleep too well last night. It could have been because of the weekend antics with drinking and the wedding but it was more anxiety about what he was going to tell us. My husband and I have tried to be realistic about all of this including our failure. I mean the day you find out you are not pregnant is a large blow but in the days after you gain much more perspective on the situation.

All in all it was very positive. We talked about this cycle. Pretty much I responded well to the drugs, all my numbers were good, lining was good etc. I had 8 mature eggs of 14 so the next time we will up the drugs in the beginning, then taper down if need be to get more eggs and hopefully more mature eggs. I was on the average dosages. We still had 6 of 8 fertilize but they only defrosted one vial (we have 11 left) so the next round we may defrost a few more to be as selective with J's sperm as possible. And then we talked about a day 3 transfer as opposed to a day 5 transfer. The fact they made it to day 5 is positive. Depending on what the embryos will look like the next time we do this, we may opt to put maybe 3 in day 3 instead of waiting until day 5 but obviously it is hard to speculate without looking at them. The whole meeting was full of hope and reassurance, and lucky for us, no major red flags. It just didn't work this time.

We have decided to stay with this RE. We both really like him and his patient care. The first cycle was just a learning experience for us. We are much wiser for the next time because of it. At least I know what I should be asking, looking for and monitoring. I think the worse thing about this was the communication of what was going on with the fertilization/embryo growing during our cycle but more because we were clueless. They will hear from me next cycle, and often.

So we asked the question well, what next and when do we do another cycle? Our RE believes I have a good ovarian reserve even at my age so yeah for that. If this was not the case, I think he would have pushed us to do it sooner than later. But we talked about it and early next year is optimal after the holidays. Nothing going on, cold and snowy here, no vacations, traveling, holidays or celebrations to distract our mindframe, we can solely concentrate on this. I am excited again about it. Even years have been good to J and I. Met and engaged in '08, married in '10 and hopefully a baby in '12.

And then the rainbow came out on the way home. Maybe some sort of sign, maybe not. Regardless it made me happy.

I know this will work for J and I and it is only a matter of time and it is worth all of this time, energy and even the heartache. We have too many good things in our lives to let this bring us down. It's just our challenge. Everyone has them and this will be one of ours. All I can do is take care of my body, be positive and patient.  I should be practicing patience anyway because it is one of the weakest things about me and I will need lots of it when I become a mom.

O Happy Day

Today has been a great day. A very fun wedding I have been looking forward to is today and I am having a full day of beauty to go with it. Nails check. Eyebrows and stache check. And I am getting my hair and make-up done. I needed a little pampering I felt. But more importantly I cannot wait to celebrate the happy couple, dance and party it up with our friends. So whooo for that.

And one of my besties, who has been trying for many, many years to get pregnant, many IUIs, and three rounds of IVF (one fresh, one frozen and this recent fresh round) told me today she was pregnant with twins. I am soooo happy, I cannot even tell you. I cannot not think of anyone who would be more of an incredible mother than this girl. She has always been such a supportive, amazing friend, especially during our first round of IVF, and I am so glad she had finally got to this place. I AM SO HAPPY!!!!

All of you IF preggos out there give me HOPE and FAITH. Thanks for that. And I promise tonight to have a drink for all of you. :)

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

Something to Strive For

Nothing really going on with me. I have been reading all of your blogs but nothing eventful going on with mine. Yesterday was my mom's 65th birthday. We had dinner with my entire family (not very big, just 12 of us) and the women looks good for her age. Amazing Asian genes I believe. She is pretty petite and little, but she also works out almost every day. She sometimes watches watch she eats and sometimes will eat three Magnum bars in a day. Yes, three.  She doesn't smoke, never has and drinks minimally. She does however have arthritis in her hands. I think the women will live to 100 (I hope). It puts in perspective why I should be striving to be healthy, to live long with my husband and hopefully kids. I cannot control the future but can control my decisions right now. So I need to keep this in the forefront of my mind.

I am getting excited for the holidays coming up. I love fall. Halloween is always fun and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. We'll be in Denmark for Christmas but we also debating a road trip while we are there. Which is funny, I usually hate car trips but driving in Europe and seeing little gems along with way sounds appealing. We are thinking of driving to Amsterdam (I have a friend who lives there) then heading down to Belgium. I need to start researching today. At least it is something else to look forward to before doing our second round of IVF. I am not completely against doing one in maybe November but it is all dependent on what the doctor says. But I cannot say I am ready to do it again. Just afraid of another negative outcome. We'll figure it out.

Questions

So today I have been reviewing and compiling questions for or RE regarding our cycle for our follow-up next week. Most of them have to do with our eggs and sperm and the whole fertilization/growing period. I am assuming that he will have this information the day we meet? I am hoping it is something they just put in your file and that we do not have to have a separate discussion with the embryologist. Anyone have comments on how any of their follow-ups have gone? I just do not want to show up with all these questions and leave with no answers. I think I will ask what information he will have when they confirm our appointment time. I want to leave feeling good, that we are putting this round to rest and onward and upward for the next round.

Day 1 of counting calories/meals went well. I will say although I was not that big fan of the kickboxing class it was a great workout. Every muscle in my body is sore today to the point where my hubs needed to help me out of bed. I am hoping my workout today will loosen up some of that lactic acid. I wish I really liked that class more but the studio also wanted me to commit for a year too which I obviously cannot do going through IVF.

Back on the Workout Train

So secretly (and I finally told my husband today) I think our IVF round did not work because of my weight. He does not think this especially because we have not had our follow-up yet but I think it is a huge determining factor. I get my period regularly, never skipped one, never been pregnant and always ovulated when we were tracking and trying naturally. My lining was good the whole cycle and so were all the rest of my numbers. I mean they always say you should be a healthy weight if you are trying to conceive and I am not. I have always been a larger person my whole life. Tall, bigger boned. I was skinny as a kid but puberty and boobs changed all that. My weight has always fluctuated but in recent years on the higher end.

Anyhow, I stopped working out a few days into my stimming last cycle. And I hated how bloated and fat I felt the entire time. I mean who likes that but it was always on my mind. I weighed myself today and I am 3 pounds more than I was prior to the cycle. We got our BFN a week ago so it is time for me to get back on the workout train along with a larger change in my eating habits as well.

So yet again I am going to try to get my weight down. Tracking what I am eating (never been good at doing that) and working out at least 5 times a week. I took a kickboxing class today at a boxing studio and was not a fan. I thought I would have liked it more than I did. I think there are so many types of exercising that you should at least enjoy what you do. So back to bikram yoga and running and back to lifting weights. I had taken time off from lifting for really no reason. I have goals in my mind, for the months ahead and I am hoping by January or February I'll feel better about my body and all the BS that IVF does to it.

The First Time

It is really funny (well not really), during the past week two different people have made the comment to me, "IVF hardly works for anyone the first time." Although I know the message behind that statement was to make me feel better, or to give our first failure some sort of validation, it made me feel worse. It is not what anyone wants to hear after failing after this. I cannot fault people for comments they make to try to make me feel better but I just wish they could have some insight on what to say and not to say.

I was irritated Monday afternoon because I had to call our clinic to schedule our follow-up. Well of course the doctor was booked this week at the office near us so they asked if I would go to the suburban office to see him possibly next week. Of course, so they transfer me to his nurse there who ultimately transfers me back to the city nurse to schedule it and I get disconnected. So I finally get a hold of the city nurse, and I basically was like, figure it out with the other nurse and let me know when I can see him in the next three weeks, stop transferring me back and forth. People it is not that hard, I know he is busy but figure it out. One thing I learned through all this, the squeakest wheel gets the most attention and nothing gets done sometimes unless you get speak up and or get pissed off.  I am going to be very vocal about many things next time around. So our follow up is Sept. 26th. No time yet, they will let us know the Saturday before. But again, so annoying...

We have been thinking we may go with another doctor next time anyway. We want to hear what the doctor has to say at our follow-up and we have a laundry list of questions, and see what he would do different next time. After that I plan on calling my gyne and asking him who else he recommends besides this guy and do a few more consultations with our information from this round and make a decision.  I like the doctor but some of his staff members are disappointing. I for sure 100% do not want the embryologist we had. He was a poor communicator and now I know better that next time around I am going to call every single day for a status.  I felt rushed out of there after the transfer and that is not going to happen again. Some nurses are good, others act like you are burdening them. I just want to have an entire different experience next time around whether the result is positive or negative.

I also go back and forth on when we should do another round, I really want to wait until January but then I kind of feel I should be doing it again as soon as possible like I am wasting time. But in my mind, I think I need time to refocus, prepare and investigate some things.  I am afraid to rush into it again.

In the meantime, I am going to start running again. I have some 5Ks and what not I am going to sign up for. I also plan on taking kickboxing. I think I need to let out some anger. I was suppose to go for a trial class today but a wine filled birthday dinner last night (next to a table of wine reps also giving us free wine) derailed that.

Have a great weekend.

Much Better Outlook

Feeling much better this Monday AM. Hopeful and excited to try again. This weekend was good. Friday my husband and I just took the night to ourselves. Saturday we went to the burbs to be with family which made us both feel better. And then we closed out the weekend at our hometown NFL opener! We have season tickets which I had almost put out of my mind because I kept thinking I would not go to the games if I was pregnant because I could not drink. But I went yesterday and actually didn't drink anyway but the game was so exciting! Glad I was there and me and my hubs had a great time.

I also got my period during the game yesterday (nice, huh?) so today I am going to call to see when we can go for our follow-up. We'll see what they say but we are thinking of waiting a bit until we try again and considering changing doctors. I already have a list of questions to ask so I do not forget anything. With the most important being about our sucky embryologist who needs to take a communication class. I think the earliest we could probably try again is November (I am sure I need a full normal non-stimulated cycle in between) and with the holidays are coming up, we plan on traveling to Europe to see my husband's family for Christmas. Traveling and the stress of worrying about all this just do not go together. So we are leaning towards trying again in the New Year. But we'll see what they say.

Last night I watched a ton of coverage on 9-11. That put my life in perspective real quick. Especially looking at all of those children who never got to know their dads. And all of those first responders and survivors who have the burden of reliving that horrible day still. Life is not fair. And how we live it day by day is what matters. Not what has happened or what may or may not happen. It is not in my nature to harp on something and be sad. I am stronger than that. I kept telling myself Friday, "Today we will cry and be sad, but tomorrow we won't." This is just our first bump in what I think will be a very long road. But I am ready for it. Bring it on.

I do want to say thank you to everyone for so much support through all of this. To all my fellow bloggers out there, you do not even know how much it means to me to know there are people out there who do know how I feel and are rooting for me 100%. Thanks for taking the time to send me a note or a prayer. And I have found so much strength in all of you. The start of my journey is nothing compared to what some of you have been through.

And of course thank you to all of my wonderful family and friends. For all of you listening and wanting and wishing the best for me and my husband. We love you all very much.

And lastly to my husband. Thanks for emphasizing to me that we can do anything no matter what as long as we have each other. I do not care what our road map is as long as I can ride through it with you.

Have a great week everyone!

Just sad

BFN. Beta of 1. We're sad today but we don't quit. I think the worse part is seeing my husband so upset. But it's all going to be fine, just not today.

One Day left

Only one more day. So glad it is finally here. It's nice to know tomorrow WE WILL KNOW. And then can worry about something else.

This cold is totally winning. And I have had the worse headache the last two days. Hoping it is hormones but may just be from my sinuses because I am so congested. I decided not to take any Benadryl or Tylenol before knowing.  I'll just have a better piece of mind.

My lovely mother came over yesterday. She is so sweet, she doesn't want me lifting anything so she came over to vacuum and clean. My husband is more than capable but I think it is my mom's way of doing something for us during this wait period. After she left, I totally conked out.

Today my back is crampy still. Just hoping it is not good ol AF just waiting to appear. I guess we'll see tomorrow.

8dp5dt

Only two more days until our Beta. 8am Friday morning. Thank God. I thought the actual shots were going to be hard, um no.  I thought the procedures (retrieval/transfer) were going to be hard, um no. I thought this wait would not be bad. LIES!!! The wait has not been as bad as much as it has been to stay positive during it. And I am just constantly irritated. I do not know if it is the hormones, PMS (I obviously hope not) or what but I am on edge. In addition my allergies are off the hook right now. I had to call the nurse yesterday because I just could not deal with them anymore. She told me I could take Benadryl which in turn knocked me out last night and now I think this is a full blown cold. It moved into my chest and now I am just feeling awful. Constantly blowing my nose. My lovely husband told me the reason I may have a cold is because I am pregnant and my immune system is down. I hope so, cause then all this misery is sooo worth it. I think yesterday alone I sneezed 150 times.

As far as symptoms go, I have had no spotting. I am usually not a spotter ever so nothing out of the ordinary. From days 2-4 I was extremely crampy in both my back and abdomen. The days 5-6 they let up. Then they were in full force yesterday. Of course stupid me took a test the morning of day 6 and got a BFN.  I just keep telling myself it was way too early to test. Plus with our blast and morula being slow growers to begin with (apparently the Danish laid back European side of them; not the hurried and crazy Filipino German American side) I am attributing it to that as well. They are just not ready to show up yet. It broke my heart to see my husband so upset about it. So we decided no more tests until Friday. No need to stress ourselves out more than we already are. The best therapy seems to be talking to them. Telling them how much we want them and love them already.

I also had a crying breakdown yesterday. It seems to happen the days I have to change those dumb Vivelle patches so my hormones go through the roof. I came home from the grocery store and was putting things away and literally just started crying and could not stop. My husband works from home so it was nice to have him here to hug. Just from this one cycle, we have grown closer so much and it is making us feel so strong that nothing is going to break us no mater what our future holds. It is just all soo much.

And I am tired of being fucked with by these drugs. Between the mood swings and the symptoms that could be caused by them or the pregnancy I am just not feeling like dealing.  I just need to keep telling myself, that my faith is going to get me through this, and there is always plenty of hope and I need to stay positive.

Laughter is the best medicine

2dp5dt - feeling good, crampy, hormonal.

I have not really wanted to be my chatty self to those around me since the transfer. I've just been trying to get myself in check before talking to anyone about it.

My blogging buddy SLESE over at Fertility Frustration gave me some good advice that laughter is the best medicine during this process. I have been feeling very emotional and hormonal the last two days so I have been taking her advice. And let me tell you I never laughed so hard as I did during the first two episodes of Jersey Shore where Deena falls every time she is drunk. It was the best entertainment I could have asked for. And I totally felt great after watching it. Today my mom and sister came over and they always can put me in good spirits. I love them both so much and when the three of us are together, it can be pretty hilarious. They cooked my husband and I spaghetti and meatballs and brought a ton of groceries too. It was so good to see them and laugh with them too.

After they left I was tired so I took a little nap and when I got up I felt like chatting. So I called my bestie over in Portland. She has two of the most adorable little boys. While we were on the phone, the older one got in trouble for trying to wake his younger brother up from his nap so they could go to the park. So when my friend told him they were not going now, he told her, "Oh My God!" and was so upset. I was totally laughing at hearing him say Oh My God so seriously. He's three. So we continue chatting then she had to go because he had clogged their toilet with toilet paper. I am still laughing now thinking about it.

Glad this bed rest is almost over and tomorrow I can get out.  A mani/pedi is happening. Then a fun birthday dinner tomorrow night for one of my other friends. I think as long as I can keep busy and laughing, next Friday will be here before I know it.

1dp5dt

One day past five day transfer...uneventful. A little cramping now and then but I know it is way to early to think anything or begin interpreting symptoms. I am still on the Crinone (progesterone) and today added the Vivelle patches. I am however feeling done with bed rest although I have another day and a half. Time to turn off the TV and read. Cannot wait until Friday to leave the house.

We heard from the embryologist (who is a horrible communicator) today and our last one did not make it.   It made me upset and I cried and lucky for me my husband works from home so we just sat and hugged for a bit. I am keeping in the front of mind this is happening to him too, he is just as disappointed and sad and needs as much consoling as I do. I could not do any of this without him. He is the most supportive, positive, amazing husband. We talked for a bit and we are not going to get down. Just keep moving forward. We have to remind ourselves, it is not in our control anymore and what will be, will be.

So we are focusing on the two little cuties inside of me. Cause this shit ain't over. It's just beginning.

But no matter what our beta day brings a positive or a negative, we know we always have each other. That is one of the most comforting things to know right now. Going through this is making us stronger, as a couple and as a family.  

The Waiting Place

Remember the Dr. Suess book, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" Typical college graduation gift, that book. And right now that one passage keeps jumping out at me...


you can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.


That is where we are The Waiting Place. Not that fun let me tell you. But I am keeping my chin up. 


While waiting we talked to the embryologist. Not the best meeting ever. We found out that 6 actually fertilized not 5, but not that it mattered, there were only 3 as of today. We had one embryo which was rated fair and one morula which is not an embryo (stage prior) and cannot be graded. We have one morula left that they will monitor and grow another day. We went forward with transferring two and hoping the other one remaining makes it to freeze tomorrow.


The transfer went well. Except while waiting I had to slightly empty my bladder to relieve myself then chug some more water to fill it back up. I waited too long to take my valium so I was not that relaxed during the procedure. Damn speculum and it was cold. Pretty cool to watch. I cannot believe the transfer literally takes less than 3 minutes. I got to pee after (thank God), got dressed and then we were on our way.  I will say the car ride home was fun. We tried to stop to get a smoothie and I was walking like I was drunk and the place was closed due to a water issue.  I passed out when I got home. I'm feeling a little bloated and crampy and have gone to the bathroom like 6 times already.


I think at this point all we can rely on is hope one or maybe both will get comfy in their natural habitat and stay. I of course looked things up online to see any success stories and it is 50/50. So I'll have faith in  those two little beings inside. I believe in them. That they know we already love them and want them so bad and that they don't give up and are fighters just like their dad and me. I was raised Catholic and although I am not a big church goer, I do pray and believe religion is what you make of your relationship with God. And I have faith in Him. That he'll give us what we can handle, whatever it may be. 


There will be no early testing. It's out of our control so it doesn't matter we might as well wait. I'm going to concentrate on remaining positive and taking care of my body, which are the things in my control. 

I Love Ya tomorrow

you're only a day away.... Tomorrow is our transfer day and I am excited and ready! The embryos are moving into their new home  at approximately 6:40 am. We're hoping they want to stay and camp out for the next 36-40 weeks. We'll provide, food, entertainment, music, rest and a few Danish lessons.

Cannot believe it is so early. To get there, we'll have to get up at 5 to leave by 6. It will be an early morning but well worth it. And I am feeling like 155% percent better than Friday and Saturday. The retrieval really kicked my ass, and the swelling and bloated feeling is gone as well as most of the pain. I am interested to see how I will feel tomorrow. Stocked up on plenty of Tivo shows and Netflix and I am still reading one of my books so bring on the bedrest.

Saturday night my husband and I went out for a nice dinner to get out of the house. The place was good but the guy next to us was the loudest talker and a total nerd.  I mean he kept telling his wife his steak was "Sooooo delicious." like 50 times out loud, real loud. I thought something was wrong with him but basically I attributed it to either he was drunk, had a hearing issue or just a tool who was looking to get attention in a public place. His wife was very pregnant so I am sure this was their big night on the town otherwise I would have had my husband tell him to settle down. I still could not even believe his wife wasn't like "Lower your voice." Then he was talking about his job and him traveling and I was just wondering what he is like in his job and who would hire this guy. I didn't let it ruin our dinner but I did find it hard to talk to my husband when Loud Mouth was jabbering away.

Sunday we went to watch my 10 year old nephew's football game. The weather was beautiful. They lost which was a bummer. Then onto dinner with my parents and my sister and her family. That is one thing I am not looking forward to. Youth sports and more importantly, the politics of youth sports. Parents are drama. Everyone thinks their kid is the best, and if they don't get to play as much as they think they should, they just move them to a different team the following year. I guess you just have to play along and hope your kid is good, so you do not have to worry about it.

It is crazy to believe that tomorrow I will be technically pregnant. Science is weird. Our test date will be Friday 9/9, and I think we have decided we are not going to test early. Just gonna wait it out. But for me it is like Christmas, I love the anticipation, I am just hoping for the best present ever!

Pain Pain Go Away

Still in pain today. Which I cannot even believe. Bloated, swollen, sore. I didn't take anything for the pain before bed last night and at 5:30 this morning I had to take something. And then this morning just feel ick. Thank God for a Tuesday transfer! There it is again our lucky number 5 for 5 day transfer! So glad, I just do not want anything or anyone near my abdomen right now or tomorrow. I am hoping by Tues I am recovered from the retrieval. And I am glad to know our little embryos are behaving themselves at the lab and growing nicely.

We are going to try tonight to go out to dinner for steak. I do not mind the high protein diet knowing a good ol' steak is coming my way. Plus I need to get out of this house. I just hoping I am feeling ok. The other thing is I am so bloated my stomach fills up quick while eating. Whatever is going on down there and in there needs to stop.

Only drugs I am on right now are the baby aspirin and the Crinone cream. I'll finish my Zpack tomorrow from the retrieval. And I am so glad for no more shots!

So we are happy today! Dane and I gave each other the biggest hug after the lab called. And we are watching Liverpool (Dane's Favorite Premier League Soccer team) and they are winning. Happy Saturday!

Worse than I thought (the pain that is)

Yesterday was the retrieval. All went well. We left at 6:30 to get to the clinic by 8 as there were some traffic issues on the expressway we needed to take on the way there. I was actually pretty relaxed and was surprised it did not take long at all. We were home by 11. I was apparently chatty with the nurse when I got back to my room but do not remember it at all. We have 14 eggs and will find out later today how many fertilized.

I was a little unprepared for how much pain I was going to be in. The retrieval was cake but the pain is way worse than I thought. I have read so many blogs and no one really talked about the pain. I felt like kicked in the ovaries and that everything was twisted around in there. Thank God for Tylenol extra strength. I slept for about 2 hours when I got back then just took it easy. Watched a movie, and just laid. I was just uncomfortable and a lot of pressure. Drank my Gatorade and V-8 which I love and need to become a regular drinker of. And two of my besties sent us cupcakes from a very good bakery here in our city. Soo yum and such a nice surprise. My husband has been a very good caretaker.

I took shower before bed and took some hydrocodone. Then I got into bed and broke down. No clue where it came from but I just cried. My husband totally consoled me. I have actually kept my emotions in check for most of this process, but I think it came to a head last night. It was the standard, 'this sucks' and 'it is not fair' and I know it was coming more from the pain I was feeling than anything else. I feel fine now once I let it out. I slept well despite the crazy dreams the hydrocodone provided and today I am back to being ready for the next step. Bring it on.

And I will say this, I commend all of those women out there who are going through this with jobs and other kids of their own. You are all amazing for taking it all on and getting through it! And for some more than one time. I could not imagine going through this while having a job. Last fall I presented an opportunity to my company I had been with the last 8 years to lay me off but give me a severance package, unemployment, letter of rec., etc. In this economy, I know that voluntarily giving up your job is unheard of, but my time there was over and I was so not happy. Lucky for me they gave me everything I asked for and I was on my way. My husband and I have made small sacrifices for me not to work but our plan was to have a baby and for me to stay home instead of paying for daycare. Plus at 35, I am at the point in my life where I need to decide what to be when I grow up.  I had a job not a career and I wanted to take some time while doing the pregnancy/mom thing, to concentrate on finding a career once our kids were in school.  Then infertility hit us and IVF was the only option. I slightly panicked about the money, time commitment, and sacrifices but thankful it could be my primary focus without letting work get in the way.

I am actually pretty calm and not antsy at all waiting to hear what fertilized. I feel a bit better today but still feeling dull pain in the ovary areas. I think I am going to do some reading now and magazine flipping.

UPDATE: of course as I was about to post this the lab called. Of the 14 eggs, 8 were mature enough to fertilize and 5 fertilized. So we are working with 5. Which is my husband and I's favorite number. It only takes one so although I wish it were more, I will look to the positive and take what we can get.

Last call for Shots

Time for trigger shot(s) (two Ovidrel shots) tonight at 9 pm. Whoo hoo. Onward and upward to the next step. Just did my last Ganirelex. And I am ready for the retrieval, Thursday 8 am. Crazy to think conception of our possible future child(ren) may occur Thursday afternoon or Friday. I am just excited to hear how they will grow before the transfer.

I went to Target today and stocked up on things to do while I am on bedrest for the few days for both the retrieval and transfer. A true essential - the fall issue of Vogue as I need to know what is "in" this season.  Not necessarily to buy; just to be in the know. I love looking at the pages of Vogue. Even just the ads I like looking at. I also got InStyle, Martha Stewart Living and the new IKEA catalog just came - I like to flag the pages of things I may potentially like if we ever get out of this condo and into a house. And of course, two books  - one Jodi Piccoult, one Jennifer Weiner - mindless reading. I should be stocking up my Tivo too but I am going to try to not watch too much TV.

I'll give another update retrieval day and will be loving tomorrow with no shots!!

Who wants to be a Dane?

My husband has been talking to the eggs. This weekend he told them, "We will only take the biggest and the best, so grow." Today it was "Who wants to be a Dane?" (he is from Denmark.) Our spirits are high and the jokes are a plenty. I had an ultrasound today with my favorite tech Liz. She is so nice. I hope I get her again tomorrow. There are 11 eggs - 6 on the right - 19, 17.8, 17.5, 17.1, 14.2 and 10.1 and 5 on the left - 23.3, 22.9, 18.2, 9.4 and 9.1 and I have to go back tomorrow. I am getting antsy to get this trigger shot done already and start some procedures. I am impatient. I can only imagine the 2WW.

My sister gave me my shot yesterday. She is a nurse s she totally knew what she was doing. My husband took her kids early to the baseball game we went to. It was a beautiful night for watching baseball. Perfect temperature. I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up at 3 feeling crampy and nauseous and was up for about an hour. I feel bad because my husband knows when I am awake, then he is awake. So we both slept like crap. I should be taking in as much sleep as I can right now, because I am hoping in 9 months, I'll be missing that sleep.

Every day this is just becoming more real that this pregnancy can really happen.  And it may even be more than 1. I am not thinking I may be a mom yet. Just I may have a pregnancy. Which is foreign to me. I have never been pregnant, at least not that I know of. It just does not seem real. I am starting to get anxiety about the fertilization on whether or not our eggs and sperms will be good together. So to keep my sanity, I have to tell myself one step at a time. No need to get ahead of myself. It's not a race.

I have been totally looking at baby stuff online. We are going to Denmark (and another undecided European city) this Christmas and I told my husband I plan on buying many Danish baby things while I am there: bedding, clothing, anything that may strike my fancy. And I am secretly hoping I am buying things for two babies.

Sunday Funday

The weekend has been good. Friday night we went to one of the neighborhood summer fests in our city. I actually had fun despite not drinking. We got home around 11 and got to bed around midnight. We had to get up Saturday morning to go the burbs for my ultrasound and bloodwork. Our city clinic is not open on the weekends. It was so crowded and a long wait and not as up to date as the city spot is. The tech was hilarious, a man and from NYC so we had a nice chat. It still amazes me when going to the clinic how many women are affected by IF and how different everyone is - all shapes, sizes, ages, nationalities, sexual orientations. And I feel it is becoming a topic people are talking more openly about. At least I am.

We got back to the city and I headed over to have brunch with my friends and their kids at one of our friend's houses. It was so fun. All the kids were so cute and no meltdowns, fights etc. Three of my friends are pregnant with their second so my hope is I will be there right along with them.  After I got home, my husband and I did not do anything the rest of the day or night. I just feel sore, bloated, crampy, puffy so we just stayed in watched a few movies.

So apparently I should not bet in Vegas. No trigger shot tonight like I thought, maybe tomorrow. My drug protocol is still the same, Menopur, Gonal F, Ganirelex so maybe after my results tomorrow I'll be ready. Still 8 big ol eggs growning away. I didn't get measurements or numbers, I was at the brunch when they called and really what is the point as I am going back Mon. I'm glad the stim phase is almost over,  I want these eggs to come out and see what gets fertilized.

Today I am about to make us a nice breakfast and then we are going to lay by our pool, just my Husby and me. He has not been swimming because of his surgery then just being busy so it will be nice to relax. Then tonight, off to see our home team play some baseball with my sister and her family.

I'll give an update tomorrow...have a great summer Sunday!!!

Day 6 Update

Things are moving slowly but surely. So they measured 8 follicles today (5 on my right at 8.7, 9.0, 9.3, 10.9, 11.2 and 3 on the left 9.2, 15, 15.2) but the tech mentioned (or maybe assumed) there were a few more small ones. I hope we get a lot.  I am hoping for at least 15 as I know most likely all will not be mature and all will not fertilize. Trying not to stress about it, again I have no control over it and stress is not good right now. I am adding the Ganirelix tonight for what I am assuming is to ensure I do not ovulate early. Back on Saturday for an ultrasound and blood work. If I had to guess, I am would put my money on a trigger shot Sunday night with my retrieval on Tuesday. All speculation and estimates on my part. Hmmmm wonder if I will be right. Slightly bummed I have to go out to the burbs as the city clinic is not open but it is what it is and I will be there early enough to beat any sort of traffic there and back.

I've been feeling achy and crampy today in the ovarian region. I was going to go for a long walk again today but maybe just a short one. My friend and her 17 month year old son came over today to swim. We live in a high rise condominium so it is nice we have a pool. He was soooo cute and such a good boy and of course it is always nice to catch up with a friend. Seems harder these days with my friends who are my age as everyone has kids and it is summer so everyone is soo busy.

Pretty boring today, the anticipation of all this is building up however. I am just ready for the 2 week wait already. I'll give another update on Saturday. Hope everyone is doing well and feeling well.

Day 4

Ultrasound #1 and blood work were today. I was a little confused by what the nurse said but it seems I have 10 follicles and they measured 5. 3 in my left ovary at 9.7, 9.6 and 9.7 and 2 in my right at 7.6 and 7.3. Maybe the remaining 5 were either not measured or still too small to measure? Not sure, going to find out/ask Thursday when I go for my next one. Estradiol is 167 which I believe for now is good. We'll see as it gets higher.

I would have to say since I started I feel the best today. I refrained from taking any pain medicine and my headaches are gone today. I did however resort to having a cup of coffee in assisting with my digestive issues I have had since I started but I am feeling as normal as I can and less bloated.

Same protocol to continue Menopur and Gonal F which is good seeing as my husband is gone tomorrow traveling so I need to give the shot to myself. I usually do not watch when he injects it so it will be an interesting experience with me doing it to myself for the first time.

I think mentally I am feeling best today too. Yesterday I went for a 4 mile walk which I find funny because when I run I never go farther than 3. But it was nice to clear my head and I am lucky to have the time to do it because currently I am not working. We live close to the lake path in our city so it was nice to stop and sit and watch the lake for a bit before heading back. I did cry a little but it was more about that I am thankful we are able to do this, and have the means to do this  and how I believe it my heart it is going to work, and how I am over the fact that we HAVE to do this. The whole thing is a roller coaster and today I am feeling on the down. Screaming, happy, excited. Things seem to be working so far and I am feeling positive.

My heart really goes out to anyone who has to go through any infertility issues. It really is so hard to explain the feelings unless you have had to deal with it in some way. I find myself lucky to know that we are here now and it has been a pretty quick trip to get here.  And that we haven't had some of the bumps in the roads and disappointments that so many others I have read about  (or know) have had. I am sending all of my prayers and good wishes to all those couples out there going through this that they stay strong and positive and stick together. Most important I will remain hopeful that we all become parents and have beautiful healthy families no matter how long it takes or the craziness we have to go through to get it.

On a funny note, my husband keeps calling me a Polish Hen. Which is funny because neither of us are Polish (I am Filipino/German and my husband is 100% Danish) but recently we were at the Wisconsin State Fair and we saw these hens there. The funniest things about them is they look like they are wearing white helmuts like white afros and some of their feathers even made them look as if they were in an 80's hair band. We were just dying laughing watching them. So in producing all these eggs I am now this hen.

My Interpretation of the Nude Model

The guy we painted on Saturday at the Bachelorette party was actually very good looking and had a great body. Too bad I ruined it by not having an ounce of artistic ability in me.

Like Riding a Bike

So shot #1 and shot #2 done. I was a little frazzled on Saturday. I just had a crazy day. After the shower, I came home and napped for an hour then rushed out to get to Bachelorette Party #1.  It was raining here, and the traffic downtown was so busy. I finally got a cab and it had to be the cab driver 's the first day.  I had to direct him to the quickest path home because I had a 15-30 min window before my husband had to leave to do this shot. I wanted to tell him "Get a GPS, this is a major city, learn how to get around." So I finally got home frazzled but it all went fine. My husband just has a good way of calming me down and letting me know everything is ok. He is definitely the more laid back one, I am the more uptight one. But after doing it step by step (taking Menopur and Gonal-F) and mixing both together to do one shot, it was fine.

After the shot I headed to Bachelorette Party #2 which was so fun. Painting a nude model. Once I figure out how to upload pictures to this, I'll upload the masterpiece. I felt fine, twinges in my abdomen and felt bloated but then had a headache all night and could not drink enough water. I got home around 2:30 and I felt wide awake but went to sleep about a half hour after.

Sunday I still had the headache, I think I can take Tylenol but I am just trying to push through it without taking anything.  I got up at 7:30 to make this zucchini pie for brunch. I had some time in between and was just watching TV with my husband and totally started crying. Like a full on cry. I could not believe it. Then was fine.  I think the cry was more for I am scared about that this is doing to my body but just have to keep reminding myself. This is temporary. Headed to brunch after dinner. After that ran to get stuff to make dinner and came home and slept for 3 hours. I could not even believe it especially for not drinking the night before. I was so tired though and was still able to go to bed last night at 10.

I made dinner then did shot #2 and now I feel like an old pro. And today I woke up no headache. And I feel good. I think I'll go for a long walk. Tomorrow is ultrasound and blood work to see how it is going. I'll update then.

Today is the big day

Shot #1 and I am lucky that I have such a busy day I can't really think about it too much. I have watched about 30 videos online to make sure I do it correctly. We had our drug training/orientation over a month ago so I needed a review. But my day is packed....off to a wedding shower for a lovely friend of mine then home to change and off to Bachelorette Party #1 for a different friend. Then home to do my shot then off to Bachelorette Party #2 for the shower girl. We are actually going to a gallery to paint a nude male at that party. I think it is going to be hilarious. Can't wait, I'll post a pic later this week of my final picture.

I drank my last drink last night...just a cider during dinner. Weird to think no caffeine or alcohol for possible 9 months + but I will survive. It is really not much to give up for what we are going to get in return.

I'm very excited to start!

Baseline Check

Last night was such a nice night with my husband. Our meal was amazing and so was the wine. It is one of the places where the meal is more about an experience than just the food. Just a nice evening.

Today was my baseline ultrasound and blood work. Always uncomfortable during the ultrasound but you just work through it. I actually saw a girl I went to high school with at the clinic today. I came in and sat with my back to her. I did not want to make her feel uncomfortable. Her and her partner actually just had a baby boy over a year ago (we are friends on FB) and I am guessing she is back for another round.

Lunch with my parents today and then errands for all the happenings this weekend. It's a friend's wedding shower and bachelorette party. During the break, I'll give myself shot #1. Exciting stuff.

I'm just feeling happy today. I love days like that. Driving home from the doctor office I had the windows down and the sunroof open because the temperature is perfect. Have a great day everyone.

Joys Truly

Date Night

So since my last post, I have decided to write a blog, then not write a blog then apparently write one again. Well see how long this lasts.

I think it is funny to identify ourselves as infertile. I read so many blogs where it is many folks identities. I think unlike others, our journey is just beginning, it's like the first steps when you try naturally for the first few months.  It's just something we have to do instead. So I am not going to identify with anything.  I just want to be me going through my life path that is now laid out before me.

Husband had his TESE/MESA. All went well, we have sperm! And they are safely residing in a freezer at our IVF lab just waiting to make-out with some of my eggs. It was one of my biggest fears as there were no guarantees there would be any but there was and we are happy! The whole thing was funny, showing up with a small cooler then them handing it to me with half of my potential offspring then into the hands of the lab courier. Just weird but done. Follow-up appointment was today and it seems Husband is back in business.

This past weekend I had a fun girls night on Friday night and was extremely hungover Saturday. I will not be missing that part of drinking at all. Then Husband and I escaped for a night to a nearby city for some fun. We hit the State Fair, a nice dinner with good food and wine and just a beautiful night.

And tonight is my date with my hubs to the hottest restaurant ticket in town. Cannot wait! I see it as my last hurrah of indulging before I pay serious respect and attention to our first cycle of IVF. I am feeling excited and scared so just going to enjoy the night with the husband.

I am feeling good and positive. Much better than my last post. Now onto step two, tomorrow's baseline ultrasound, etc. My first shot starts Saturday. I am not so concerned about the actual shot but the mixing of the medicines and the fact I need to squeeze it in between two bachelorette parties I am attending.

Until next time,
Joys Truly

Opening Up

I am always one to open up to people. Even about my current situation with trying to conceive. But beginning a blog and putting it all out there seems scarier than sitting down with one of my friends or even a stranger face to face to discuss our situation.

I think I am a bit different than others heading towards IVF because there really has not been any built up at this point. We tried for 6 months, had some preliminary testing and found the issue. So I unlike others on this crazy path have not had any bouts with fertility drugs, IUIs, miscarriages etc. Right to the big show. And although I am excited for my road ahead, I cannot help but feel extremely guilty for not being more gung ho about it. I have read about so many others out there who have done everything to have a child, given up so much of themselves for so long and willing to do anything and I am having a hard time getting to that point. But I think it is because I really am trying to not think about what is ahead.

 I do not want to do shots, or give up drinking or working out. I do not want to be moody, cry, gain weight and not feel that my body is my own. And although I know it is all going to be worth it in the end, to have a baby, a part of me and my husband, it is still hard for me to wrap my arms around the idea that I am one of those women now, the one who is doing IVF.

My husband is the most upbeat, positive person ever and has the most amazing outlook on all of this. It will work for us. We know it deep down. I hate that he has guilt about this because the issue is his. And I know of the tables were reversed, he would be so supportive. Every day I get more on board as I know the process is looming around the corner.  So today I will get over the guilt and get on board. Because the most amazing thing is about to happen to me.

Thanks for reading and please follow on my journey, we can use all of the help we can get!

Joys Truly