Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Bad Day with a Delay

Sorry I have been MIA everyone. I have been reading your blogs but slacking in the commenting. I plan on catching up this week. I have not been too busy just feeling blah I guess. I started looking for a part-time job. So far so good. I actually had an interview with our Chamber of Commerce that I thought went well and will find out this week if I got it. I have an interview with a bridal shop Sunday. Slowly but surely hopefully I will be back to working. I miss some things about it.

Thanksgiving was good. My aunt who had been living in Turkey for the last 25 years (she was in the military) has moved back to the States and spent it with us.  Great to see her and to catch up. I was thankful for having my family and friends. And I really did not let the non baby thing phase me. I am proud to say I am about 40% done with Xmas shopping. Need to get it all done before the 19th before we jet off to Denmark.

Yesterday was my second acupuncture session. I swear it is relaxing but after I just felt weird. Kind of on edge. I was suppose to go to the movies and decided not to because I was just not in the mood anymore. And the mood carried itself into today.

Today was my yearly exam at my gyne. He's been on my shit list as they have cancelled and rescheduled this appointment 5 times. Yes, 5. Lucky for them my schedule is flexible. I did forget how much I like him as a doctor. But today was just not a good day. From the time I woke up I was just still crabby and I knew today was not going to be a good day. Maybe it is because I am getting AF, maybe the holidays and my birthday around the corner I just don't know. I didn't go to my normal morning spin and I got in a huge fight with my husband before I left. So I was already twirly when I got into to see the doctor. He asked me how I was and I answered ok and then broke down crying. I had not done that in awhile.  And as much as I really let the baby thing role off my back most of the time, today it just came to the surface. I have been ignoring it too long and pushing it to the back of my mind. January seemed so far away and now it is around the corner. Even when I read your blogs. I ignore my own scenario and concentrate on all of your stories.

We talked about my first IVF round and just how I am feeling about everything. And I think I am not as ok with everything as I thought. He did suggest a maybe talking to someone and gave me a therapist recommendation and luckily she also works PT at my RE's office. So someone to talk to plus an advocate at the office, perhaps that may be good. I think I need it. Also, we discussed I need to lose weight and before the next round. So I think I am now pushing the round off until February instead of January. I am just not feeling mentally ready again yet, and definitely not physical. And I have the greatest of gifts of having our insurance pay for two more rounds, I am not blowing another chance because I am in a rush to make this happen. I know it seems cowardly, at least to me, but I failed the first time because I wasn't ready and didn't believe so I am scared if I cannot get my head around this 100% why do it again. It is worse enough the sperms and eggs and the rest of our bodies don't care to cooperate, but the mind is the worse part of this to not control.

Anyhow, at my appointment I asked him about my RE, if there were others he would recommend... He told me to definitely do another round with my RE, but he felt if this round does not work and we get no frozen embryos again, I should think about going to CCRM and Schoolcraft.  Which just made me feel sick to think about. But I am putting that out of my mind, no need to be getting ahead of myself.

I think the funniest thing about the whole appointment is I was completely unfazed during the pap. I was like, "Oh, you're done?" Walk in the park compared to the IVF cycle ultrasounds.

When I got home, hubby and I made up and talked about my appointment. He's on board with February.

Sorry for the long rambling post...I probably should be be blogging more, even with nothing going on in cycle land.

9 comments:

  1. Ha! I thought the exact same thing about my last pap, I even commented to her about it! I think it's a great idea to take a little more time. I fully support waiting until you are totally ready!

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  2. Sometimes just having a plan can help. I'll be routing for the weight loss and success in February!!

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  3. GL in Feb. it will be here before you know it!

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  4. I'm sorry for the crappy day...sometimes they just creep in on you and you just can't shake it. I'm glad everything worked out in the end.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers....if you need anything, we're all here for you....Wishing you the best of luck with weight loss and treatment in February.

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  5. Sorry you had such a crappy day. Try and take these couple months and focus on you. Maybe talk to someone like your Dr suggested and be selfish. Do what you need and want to do to make you happy. Maybe try and reconnect with the Hubby. I know for me that has helped tremendously. Thinking about you all the time and hoping and praying you are in a good place.

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  6. I had my yearly exam yesterday and you are so right ... it was a cake walk, took 5 minutes top. Sorry you had such a crap day! But, I am glad you are working on a plan. IVF isn't all about the treatments, it's about having a plan and being mentally prepared to execute that plan. You will get there sweetie! And we will be here cheering you on the whole time :)

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  9. You didn't fail because you werent ready. There are no failures - just more opportunity to get info and fine tune what had previously been done. Don't beat yourself up - the hormones do that for you. Hopefully, tomm is a better day. I love you tons, girl. Keep your head up. Xoxo

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