Thursday, September 29, 2011

Yeah I want one of those

Today I went to see a good friend/ex co-worker friend who just had a baby girl. She had two sons already, 12 and 9 and always wanted to have one more and always wanted a girl. When she found out the sex, she was so happy. So today I went to see her. First I stopped at Baby GAP to get a present (P.S. everything in the store is 30% off this weekend; code is GAPFALL) and let me tell you they had the cutest stuff. The dresses for baby girls for the holidays were ridic and off the hook. Any little girl would be a true fashionista.

Anyway so when I got there, she had just got done feeding her and I got to hold her. She is perfect this baby. Perfect mix of her mom and dad. At three weeks old, no face trauma from labor or anything, great skin, just perfect. And she just let me hold her without making a peep just being her cute sleeping self. I looked down at her and thought I totally want one just like you.

I think I forget sometimes or put it in the back of my mind how MUCH I do want a baby. I downplay it almost. Like if I think about it too hard or too much, I'll jinx it and it will not happen. Right now, I let our every day lives, hanging with our friends, being into each other and making future plans without a baby take precedence in my mind. I just do not want to get obsessed with thinking about it all the time. And as much as I have been putting it in the back of my mind, I really felt it today, I WANT A BABY. It made me teary eyed looking at this baby and thinking I may not get one of these precious little beings. But it also made me more determined. To do whatever it takes to have one. Why am I waiting to do this again when this is what I want? I should be signing up to do it all again right now. But in my heart, I know the timing is just not right. I'm scared to rush into it again and perhaps, fail again.

I think I was a little naive about how I would feel about all this when starting IVF. That it would all be ok and just work out, it was just something we had to do and it wouldn't be that hard to deal with it and the emotion of it all. But it is hard. Way harder than I thought.  I know tomorrow, and a month from now, etc. it may not be as hard, but today it is.

Monday, September 26, 2011

A Good Sign

Happy Monday! Weekend was fun, wedding was fab. This morning we had our follow-up appointment with our RE. It was raining the whole drive there and I did not sleep too well last night. It could have been because of the weekend antics with drinking and the wedding but it was more anxiety about what he was going to tell us. My husband and I have tried to be realistic about all of this including our failure. I mean the day you find out you are not pregnant is a large blow but in the days after you gain much more perspective on the situation.

All in all it was very positive. We talked about this cycle. Pretty much I responded well to the drugs, all my numbers were good, lining was good etc. I had 8 mature eggs of 14 so the next time we will up the drugs in the beginning, then taper down if need be to get more eggs and hopefully more mature eggs. I was on the average dosages. We still had 6 of 8 fertilize but they only defrosted one vial (we have 11 left) so the next round we may defrost a few more to be as selective with J's sperm as possible. And then we talked about a day 3 transfer as opposed to a day 5 transfer. The fact they made it to day 5 is positive. Depending on what the embryos will look like the next time we do this, we may opt to put maybe 3 in day 3 instead of waiting until day 5 but obviously it is hard to speculate without looking at them. The whole meeting was full of hope and reassurance, and lucky for us, no major red flags. It just didn't work this time.

We have decided to stay with this RE. We both really like him and his patient care. The first cycle was just a learning experience for us. We are much wiser for the next time because of it. At least I know what I should be asking, looking for and monitoring. I think the worse thing about this was the communication of what was going on with the fertilization/embryo growing during our cycle but more because we were clueless. They will hear from me next cycle, and often.

So we asked the question well, what next and when do we do another cycle? Our RE believes I have a good ovarian reserve even at my age so yeah for that. If this was not the case, I think he would have pushed us to do it sooner than later. But we talked about it and early next year is optimal after the holidays. Nothing going on, cold and snowy here, no vacations, traveling, holidays or celebrations to distract our mindframe, we can solely concentrate on this. I am excited again about it. Even years have been good to J and I. Met and engaged in '08, married in '10 and hopefully a baby in '12.

And then the rainbow came out on the way home. Maybe some sort of sign, maybe not. Regardless it made me happy.

I know this will work for J and I and it is only a matter of time and it is worth all of this time, energy and even the heartache. We have too many good things in our lives to let this bring us down. It's just our challenge. Everyone has them and this will be one of ours. All I can do is take care of my body, be positive and patient.  I should be practicing patience anyway because it is one of the weakest things about me and I will need lots of it when I become a mom.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

O Happy Day

Today has been a great day. A very fun wedding I have been looking forward to is today and I am having a full day of beauty to go with it. Nails check. Eyebrows and stache check. And I am getting my hair and make-up done. I needed a little pampering I felt. But more importantly I cannot wait to celebrate the happy couple, dance and party it up with our friends. So whooo for that.

And one of my besties, who has been trying for many, many years to get pregnant, many IUIs, and three rounds of IVF (one fresh, one frozen and this recent fresh round) told me today she was pregnant with twins. I am soooo happy, I cannot even tell you. I cannot not think of anyone who would be more of an incredible mother than this girl. She has always been such a supportive, amazing friend, especially during our first round of IVF, and I am so glad she had finally got to this place. I AM SO HAPPY!!!!

All of you IF preggos out there give me HOPE and FAITH. Thanks for that. And I promise tonight to have a drink for all of you. :)

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Something to Strive For

Nothing really going on with me. I have been reading all of your blogs but nothing eventful going on with mine. Yesterday was my mom's 65th birthday. We had dinner with my entire family (not very big, just 12 of us) and the women looks good for her age. Amazing Asian genes I believe. She is pretty petite and little, but she also works out almost every day. She sometimes watches watch she eats and sometimes will eat three Magnum bars in a day. Yes, three.  She doesn't smoke, never has and drinks minimally. She does however have arthritis in her hands. I think the women will live to 100 (I hope). It puts in perspective why I should be striving to be healthy, to live long with my husband and hopefully kids. I cannot control the future but can control my decisions right now. So I need to keep this in the forefront of my mind.

I am getting excited for the holidays coming up. I love fall. Halloween is always fun and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. We'll be in Denmark for Christmas but we also debating a road trip while we are there. Which is funny, I usually hate car trips but driving in Europe and seeing little gems along with way sounds appealing. We are thinking of driving to Amsterdam (I have a friend who lives there) then heading down to Belgium. I need to start researching today. At least it is something else to look forward to before doing our second round of IVF. I am not completely against doing one in maybe November but it is all dependent on what the doctor says. But I cannot say I am ready to do it again. Just afraid of another negative outcome. We'll figure it out.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


So today I have been reviewing and compiling questions for or RE regarding our cycle for our follow-up next week. Most of them have to do with our eggs and sperm and the whole fertilization/growing period. I am assuming that he will have this information the day we meet? I am hoping it is something they just put in your file and that we do not have to have a separate discussion with the embryologist. Anyone have comments on how any of their follow-ups have gone? I just do not want to show up with all these questions and leave with no answers. I think I will ask what information he will have when they confirm our appointment time. I want to leave feeling good, that we are putting this round to rest and onward and upward for the next round.

Day 1 of counting calories/meals went well. I will say although I was not that big fan of the kickboxing class it was a great workout. Every muscle in my body is sore today to the point where my hubs needed to help me out of bed. I am hoping my workout today will loosen up some of that lactic acid. I wish I really liked that class more but the studio also wanted me to commit for a year too which I obviously cannot do going through IVF.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Back on the Workout Train

So secretly (and I finally told my husband today) I think our IVF round did not work because of my weight. He does not think this especially because we have not had our follow-up yet but I think it is a huge determining factor. I get my period regularly, never skipped one, never been pregnant and always ovulated when we were tracking and trying naturally. My lining was good the whole cycle and so were all the rest of my numbers. I mean they always say you should be a healthy weight if you are trying to conceive and I am not. I have always been a larger person my whole life. Tall, bigger boned. I was skinny as a kid but puberty and boobs changed all that. My weight has always fluctuated but in recent years on the higher end.

Anyhow, I stopped working out a few days into my stimming last cycle. And I hated how bloated and fat I felt the entire time. I mean who likes that but it was always on my mind. I weighed myself today and I am 3 pounds more than I was prior to the cycle. We got our BFN a week ago so it is time for me to get back on the workout train along with a larger change in my eating habits as well.

So yet again I am going to try to get my weight down. Tracking what I am eating (never been good at doing that) and working out at least 5 times a week. I took a kickboxing class today at a boxing studio and was not a fan. I thought I would have liked it more than I did. I think there are so many types of exercising that you should at least enjoy what you do. So back to bikram yoga and running and back to lifting weights. I had taken time off from lifting for really no reason. I have goals in my mind, for the months ahead and I am hoping by January or February I'll feel better about my body and all the BS that IVF does to it.

Friday, September 16, 2011

The First Time

It is really funny (well not really), during the past week two different people have made the comment to me, "IVF hardly works for anyone the first time." Although I know the message behind that statement was to make me feel better, or to give our first failure some sort of validation, it made me feel worse. It is not what anyone wants to hear after failing after this. I cannot fault people for comments they make to try to make me feel better but I just wish they could have some insight on what to say and not to say.

I was irritated Monday afternoon because I had to call our clinic to schedule our follow-up. Well of course the doctor was booked this week at the office near us so they asked if I would go to the suburban office to see him possibly next week. Of course, so they transfer me to his nurse there who ultimately transfers me back to the city nurse to schedule it and I get disconnected. So I finally get a hold of the city nurse, and I basically was like, figure it out with the other nurse and let me know when I can see him in the next three weeks, stop transferring me back and forth. People it is not that hard, I know he is busy but figure it out. One thing I learned through all this, the squeakest wheel gets the most attention and nothing gets done sometimes unless you get speak up and or get pissed off.  I am going to be very vocal about many things next time around. So our follow up is Sept. 26th. No time yet, they will let us know the Saturday before. But again, so annoying...

We have been thinking we may go with another doctor next time anyway. We want to hear what the doctor has to say at our follow-up and we have a laundry list of questions, and see what he would do different next time. After that I plan on calling my gyne and asking him who else he recommends besides this guy and do a few more consultations with our information from this round and make a decision.  I like the doctor but some of his staff members are disappointing. I for sure 100% do not want the embryologist we had. He was a poor communicator and now I know better that next time around I am going to call every single day for a status.  I felt rushed out of there after the transfer and that is not going to happen again. Some nurses are good, others act like you are burdening them. I just want to have an entire different experience next time around whether the result is positive or negative.

I also go back and forth on when we should do another round, I really want to wait until January but then I kind of feel I should be doing it again as soon as possible like I am wasting time. But in my mind, I think I need time to refocus, prepare and investigate some things.  I am afraid to rush into it again.

In the meantime, I am going to start running again. I have some 5Ks and what not I am going to sign up for. I also plan on taking kickboxing. I think I need to let out some anger. I was suppose to go for a trial class today but a wine filled birthday dinner last night (next to a table of wine reps also giving us free wine) derailed that.

Have a great weekend.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Much Better Outlook

Feeling much better this Monday AM. Hopeful and excited to try again. This weekend was good. Friday my husband and I just took the night to ourselves. Saturday we went to the burbs to be with family which made us both feel better. And then we closed out the weekend at our hometown NFL opener! We have season tickets which I had almost put out of my mind because I kept thinking I would not go to the games if I was pregnant because I could not drink. But I went yesterday and actually didn't drink anyway but the game was so exciting! Glad I was there and me and my hubs had a great time.

I also got my period during the game yesterday (nice, huh?) so today I am going to call to see when we can go for our follow-up. We'll see what they say but we are thinking of waiting a bit until we try again and considering changing doctors. I already have a list of questions to ask so I do not forget anything. With the most important being about our sucky embryologist who needs to take a communication class. I think the earliest we could probably try again is November (I am sure I need a full normal non-stimulated cycle in between) and with the holidays are coming up, we plan on traveling to Europe to see my husband's family for Christmas. Traveling and the stress of worrying about all this just do not go together. So we are leaning towards trying again in the New Year. But we'll see what they say.

Last night I watched a ton of coverage on 9-11. That put my life in perspective real quick. Especially looking at all of those children who never got to know their dads. And all of those first responders and survivors who have the burden of reliving that horrible day still. Life is not fair. And how we live it day by day is what matters. Not what has happened or what may or may not happen. It is not in my nature to harp on something and be sad. I am stronger than that. I kept telling myself Friday, "Today we will cry and be sad, but tomorrow we won't." This is just our first bump in what I think will be a very long road. But I am ready for it. Bring it on.

I do want to say thank you to everyone for so much support through all of this. To all my fellow bloggers out there, you do not even know how much it means to me to know there are people out there who do know how I feel and are rooting for me 100%. Thanks for taking the time to send me a note or a prayer. And I have found so much strength in all of you. The start of my journey is nothing compared to what some of you have been through.

And of course thank you to all of my wonderful family and friends. For all of you listening and wanting and wishing the best for me and my husband. We love you all very much.

And lastly to my husband. Thanks for emphasizing to me that we can do anything no matter what as long as we have each other. I do not care what our road map is as long as I can ride through it with you.

Have a great week everyone!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Just sad

BFN. Beta of 1. We're sad today but we don't quit. I think the worse part is seeing my husband so upset. But it's all going to be fine, just not today.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

One Day left

Only one more day. So glad it is finally here. It's nice to know tomorrow WE WILL KNOW. And then can worry about something else.

This cold is totally winning. And I have had the worse headache the last two days. Hoping it is hormones but may just be from my sinuses because I am so congested. I decided not to take any Benadryl or Tylenol before knowing.  I'll just have a better piece of mind.

My lovely mother came over yesterday. She is so sweet, she doesn't want me lifting anything so she came over to vacuum and clean. My husband is more than capable but I think it is my mom's way of doing something for us during this wait period. After she left, I totally conked out.

Today my back is crampy still. Just hoping it is not good ol AF just waiting to appear. I guess we'll see tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


Only two more days until our Beta. 8am Friday morning. Thank God. I thought the actual shots were going to be hard, um no.  I thought the procedures (retrieval/transfer) were going to be hard, um no. I thought this wait would not be bad. LIES!!! The wait has not been as bad as much as it has been to stay positive during it. And I am just constantly irritated. I do not know if it is the hormones, PMS (I obviously hope not) or what but I am on edge. In addition my allergies are off the hook right now. I had to call the nurse yesterday because I just could not deal with them anymore. She told me I could take Benadryl which in turn knocked me out last night and now I think this is a full blown cold. It moved into my chest and now I am just feeling awful. Constantly blowing my nose. My lovely husband told me the reason I may have a cold is because I am pregnant and my immune system is down. I hope so, cause then all this misery is sooo worth it. I think yesterday alone I sneezed 150 times.

As far as symptoms go, I have had no spotting. I am usually not a spotter ever so nothing out of the ordinary. From days 2-4 I was extremely crampy in both my back and abdomen. The days 5-6 they let up. Then they were in full force yesterday. Of course stupid me took a test the morning of day 6 and got a BFN.  I just keep telling myself it was way too early to test. Plus with our blast and morula being slow growers to begin with (apparently the Danish laid back European side of them; not the hurried and crazy Filipino German American side) I am attributing it to that as well. They are just not ready to show up yet. It broke my heart to see my husband so upset about it. So we decided no more tests until Friday. No need to stress ourselves out more than we already are. The best therapy seems to be talking to them. Telling them how much we want them and love them already.

I also had a crying breakdown yesterday. It seems to happen the days I have to change those dumb Vivelle patches so my hormones go through the roof. I came home from the grocery store and was putting things away and literally just started crying and could not stop. My husband works from home so it was nice to have him here to hug. Just from this one cycle, we have grown closer so much and it is making us feel so strong that nothing is going to break us no mater what our future holds. It is just all soo much.

And I am tired of being fucked with by these drugs. Between the mood swings and the symptoms that could be caused by them or the pregnancy I am just not feeling like dealing.  I just need to keep telling myself, that my faith is going to get me through this, and there is always plenty of hope and I need to stay positive.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Laughter is the best medicine

2dp5dt - feeling good, crampy, hormonal.

I have not really wanted to be my chatty self to those around me since the transfer. I've just been trying to get myself in check before talking to anyone about it.

My blogging buddy SLESE over at Fertility Frustration gave me some good advice that laughter is the best medicine during this process. I have been feeling very emotional and hormonal the last two days so I have been taking her advice. And let me tell you I never laughed so hard as I did during the first two episodes of Jersey Shore where Deena falls every time she is drunk. It was the best entertainment I could have asked for. And I totally felt great after watching it. Today my mom and sister came over and they always can put me in good spirits. I love them both so much and when the three of us are together, it can be pretty hilarious. They cooked my husband and I spaghetti and meatballs and brought a ton of groceries too. It was so good to see them and laugh with them too.

After they left I was tired so I took a little nap and when I got up I felt like chatting. So I called my bestie over in Portland. She has two of the most adorable little boys. While we were on the phone, the older one got in trouble for trying to wake his younger brother up from his nap so they could go to the park. So when my friend told him they were not going now, he told her, "Oh My God!" and was so upset. I was totally laughing at hearing him say Oh My God so seriously. He's three. So we continue chatting then she had to go because he had clogged their toilet with toilet paper. I am still laughing now thinking about it.

Glad this bed rest is almost over and tomorrow I can get out.  A mani/pedi is happening. Then a fun birthday dinner tomorrow night for one of my other friends. I think as long as I can keep busy and laughing, next Friday will be here before I know it.