Monday, January 30, 2012

New Mantra

First I would like to say I am up to 25 followers! Holla! When I started this I just had 4 followers. So thank you all for taking the time to read my blog and comment. I will have a giveaway soon, need to find a good giveaway gift....hmmm.

So I have a new mantra. And I can thank Jay over at The 2Week Wait for providing it to me. She had written a post on Thursday (prior to her CSection on Friday) which really has been resonating with me.

"Until someone tells me this whole thing is not possible, there are always options and possibilities."

It was just so perfectly stated, it instantly put me at ease about this next cycle. Because you just never know what is going to happen. No one has said it is not going to work, so you cannot think it won't. Going to chant this on a daily basis for the next two months.

Things are much better for me this last week. I think I took a swing out of feeling down and I am back on the up. I'm coming off of a fun weekend too. Friday night, a few of my friends I grew up with and our spouses/boyfriends/fiances, met for dinner. I for sure had too much fun and paid for it a bit on Saturday. Saturday I road tripped with some girlfriends to see another girlfriend in Indy. There were 8 of us. We lunched, shopped, did make-up and hair tutorials while getting ready then had a fab dinner and a few drinks, followed by a homemade brunch on Sunday. Just happy to have had such a fun weekend with so many wonderful friends but I will admit in my old age, I am a bit exhausted today from it.

In other news,  a friend on FB posted the other day she was pregnant. We know each other from growing up but she lives in a different city now. It was interesting because her status basically stated, "After years of monthly disappointments, disruptive fertility treatments, countless blood tests and injections, a whole lot of money and a loss we are finally expecting." A few things about this. First, I thought it was pretty brave of her to put that all out there so I actually messaged her wishing her congratulations and basically telling her we also are having fertility issues. So we discussed what we both have gone through. Basically she told me she posted that to kind of open up a dialogue for anyone else who may be having issues, to ask her any questions or share stories. I like that she made herself available as a resource. I don't think I could do that so publicly myself on FB.  Wonderful always to hear another success story. Again, just keeping my hope and my mantra alive and breathing.   

In addition, another one of my friends told me she was pregnant last week. She is about 15 weeks along and this is her second baby. I was kind of bummed she did not tell me sooner. I hope it was just because we have not seen each other not because she was being sensitive to my feelings. I just don't want people to feel they cannot tell me they are pregnant because of how I may feel. I am so happy for her. And the only thing I was jealous of was the fact it was so easy to do, you know, to just have sex and get pregnant! 

The pharmacy called on Friday. I probably should call them back to get my med shipment set up. This is after stalking my RE office to send over the damn prescriptions.

Happy Monday everyone! Have a wonderful week!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Seems like an eternity

Until this next cycle is going to start.

I had an insurance issue last week. Basically they were not going to let me do this cycle because my FSH test was done on day 4 of my period instead of day 2-3. The reason why is because I got AF over New Years so the office was closed on the 2nd. After a lot of back and forth with my RE and the insurance company, my insurance approved it with some supervisor approval and if this cycle does not work and I am to do another cycle, I must have that test done day 2-3. Hopefully I won't have to worry about it.

And I have officially decided mums the word on this cycle, when I start, when the transfer is done and when the 2 week wait is. I want it to just be between J and I and the other players in the game (RE, nurse, tech, embryologist). Although, I cannot stay away from you ladies my fellow bloggers. I will be keeping up with your blogs and commenting like always.

I kind of feel empowered and glad about the decision. It is nice to take the pressure off of myself to talk about it with anyone else. So any of my friends out there who read my blog, I would appreciate it if you didn't ask about it. When I am ready to talk, we know all know I will.

Sending many prayers out to any of you who are hitting any bumps in the road in your pregnancies and any of you still waiting for your BFP.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Maybe I'll keep it all a secret

So I have been thinking I may keep this next cycle under wraps which even means no blogging. I think I kind of want to keep this next one to myself.

I had an interesting therapy session this week in which we talked about a plethora of topics. One of them was about how I want to believe this really can happen. To me.  That damn doubt is just hanging around. I know that is natural and the best advice she gave me is healthiest is probably a balance of both. To believe it can happen TO ME and that there is a chance it won't. I really want to just live in the positive but just feel like I cannot get stay there. And when I am there it is only for a brief stay. Why must this stupid infertility thing constantly confuse me?

And we talked about how open I have been with others talking about it but I think it's time I pull back a little and just deal with it with my husband and me. Just let the eggs fall as they may. Then I won't have to deal with questions or updates and just go through it.

And my dumb RE office is pissing me off. I am still waiting for them to contact my insurance to give them the start date so then I can get my drugs as well. This whole process just sucks. Why cannot this portion at least be easy?

Friday, January 13, 2012

Water Works

Sorry for the radio silence again. Just finding a good time to write. My week has been good. I am in this reorganization mode. We had our first snow yesterday (so pretty) so I am fine with staying in and organizing. And Container Store is having an Elfa sale so I may take on the task of full organization of our linen closet. It's just not linens, because we live in a condo everything goes in there, all cleaning supplies, toiliet paper, paper towels, toiletries so it really needs to be reconfigured. A good thing to put my energy into.

I was a crying mess at therapy on Tuesday. I do not know what it is about that place that brings the tears. I'm fine all week then bam. Maybe because I bottle it up and try to seem like everything is fine. I play the game of being thankful for what I have in my head. All I know is I will be in a better place this next cycle. One of my assignments from her was to talk to my husband about my true feelings about it. Which I have already done this week and it brought more tears. At some point I will be all cried out.

I also go to acupuncture on Tuesdays. It was my first time back since the holidays. It is so crazy. One minute needles in and awake, then bam totally sleeping. I really like it. I cannot believe how much it takes out of me, I was exhausted that night. I have seen changes in my periods so hopefully this is going to make this next IVF cycle different as well. I am really glad I am going.

And we have a busy weekend ahead. Tonight dinner and a comedy show with friends. Tomorrow my Danish teacher is having his Christmas party and J and I are going to go. And J is off on Monday for MLK day so hopefully a little fun then too.

Have a great weekend!

Friday, January 6, 2012

In a little over a month

I'll be doing shots. And not the good ones. I got my schedule yesterday and my first shot should be 2/11. So it is real and happening, again. This month I am going to take it easy. Going to keep work outing out. I know it does something with your hormones and I should be taking it east but I feel better when I am doing it. Stronger and healthier. My body felt ick, the last few weeks with the holiday indulgences and the no working out in Denmark.  But as of today, see you caffeine - we're on a break. And I am going to watch my sugar and carb intake. No binge drinking either. A glass of wine is fine, but nothing crazy. I got a little nervous reading yesterday on what I should have been doing for the last 90 days but I'm not going to be hard on myself. My therapist and I talked about it. Even if I followed everything by the book with preparing my body, it still might not work. I think our issue the last time was a question of genetics. So I need to do things within reason. People get pregnant all the time under much more dire circumstances than what I am dealing with.

And things are different this time around. My head is in it. I know this is possible, complete clean slate and no comparison to last time. I'm glad to have a therapist to talk to about it now. I am happy to get back to acupuncture next week. I just feel in a better place. Last time, I was pissed about sacrificing but this time I am more than willing to do what I need to but within reason. As long as I know my mind and spirit are 100% in this, I'm happy.

I am thinking too I should be incorporating some yoga to offset the spinning. I know my gym offers it. Need to look into that.....

Happy Friday everyone! Have a great weekend!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Spin me right round

Back on the workout train and feeling good. I went to spin this morning bright and early at 6:30. They got new bikes which are really nice and the instructor gave me a "Welcome back!" Glad I am finally back and the cold I got in Denmark is finally subsiding. Just bummed to think I need to stop in a few weeks. So crazy that our next IVF starts in just a few weeks. Getting more excited than scared.

I heard from one of my RE's nurses yesterday and they are waiting for him to write up my schedule and drug dosages. Excited to see what will be different. I have taken inventory of the drugs I have from last time and hoping when I am talking to the pharmacy they can take those drugs into account so at the end I am not stuck with all these drugs. Right now I have two full Gonal F pens, 15 vials of Menopur, 15 packs of Crinone, 6 Vivelle packages and some pain meds.

Glad the weekend is almost here. I have not seen my friends since the holiday madness and I can use some fun and socialization. Being locked in all week has made me a bit crazy.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Back to the corral

and the cattle call at the IVF clinic. I called this morning and they wanted me to come in right away and while I was in the waiting room I was laughing to myself. Packed with people. People going in, people coming out. New year, new patients. Some there with spouses and looking full of hope. Ho hum. Ultrasound (everything looked great ) check, bloodwork check, now just waiting for them to call to give me my BCP script. Not much has changed there, I'm just hoping this time around will be a much better outcome than last time.

After I headed over to my therapist's office. Good to see her after the new year. I had tons to talk about, prepping my head for next month's festivities. I'm feeling good right now. Back to acupuncture next week.

And today I being looking for a new J O B! That's kind of exciting. It was nice this morning to have total flexibility to just run out the door to the doctor. I think I need something PT. Best of both worlds, feeling accomplished and flexibility. But we shall see.

Monday, January 2, 2012

And so it begins, again

Sorry for the radio silence. Bad blogger in me. I had time in Denmark too. I think I was just taking a break away and building up for IVF #2. I'll be taking this week to catch up what is going on with all of you. Especially all of you who are having babies in 2012! Just think by next new year, so many of our lives will be changed. Anyway here is what has been happening with me.

Right after my birthday I had my first appointment with a new therapist. My gyne recommended her and she specializes in infertility. I think it took maybe three minutes of meeting her before I was crying but when I left I felt like the huge weight of everything that was sitting on my chest and in my mind had been lifted. Just in time for Christmas. I was not feeling as emotional after it. I think the one thing she told me that stuck with me is, it is ok to be sad about this. It is a big deal. It is a lot to go through and you do not necessarily have to act so strong about it. I think if I show my true feelings about it sometimes I feel so weak. Well I am letting that go. It is ok to think it is hard, unfair and it is ok to be sad. We'll be meeting on Tuesdays so I get to see her again tomorrow.

I got my Christmas spirit after that. Finished all my shopping and wrapping for Denmark. Had a few Christmas parties with friends. Then we left for Denmark on the 20th. The trip was so much fun. I cannot even tell you how much I love my in-laws. They are so loving and thoughtful and completely spoil us while we are there. We spent a night with Jacob's best friend too who lives in a different city from his parents. Just drinks and dinner with him and his girlfriend. And Christmas was perfect. They celebrate Christmas Eve in Denmark, so it was a day of church, lighting candles on the Christmas tree and singing around it and a visit from Juleman (aka Santa Claus). It was so fun to see my nieces and nephew so excited about him and their presents. It makes me look forward to it with our own kids. The meal was excellent too and I might have gotten a little too tipsy on the Christmas wine...The next few days were pretty laid back and when we left J's parents to go home, I was really sad. I just hate that we cannot see them more than we do. And it makes me sad for J.

On our last night,  J and I had dinner in Tivoli in Copenhagen. It is one of my favorite places to go to. There is just something magical about it. It is filled with lights and we were there during the fireworks. We are big foodies so we usually do an expensive over the top dinner for our birthdays. We waited until our trip to do it and this dinner was outstanding. Many delicious courses and wonderful wine pairings. And a great end to our trip. There was a table of 5 next to us; a bride and groom who just got married and their parents. She was pregnant so no booze for her but it was nice to see them celebrate.

We just got back right before New Years Eve. I had a cold and was not feeling well at all so we laid low. I had brunch with my girlfriends NYE morning but that night J and I just made a few appetizers, played a few games and hung out. I think we were in bed by 12:30. We are not big NYE people. We decided in the coming years, it will be best to celebrate NYE on vacation somewhere. We like to go out New Years day to watch the bowl games but I still was not feeling well and only the pro games were on anyway.

So today is the 2nd. So back to reality, back to life tomorrow (apparently J is off today too, so we are going to do something fun). Right now as I type, I am on hold with the clinic to schedule my baseline and bloodwork for today or tomorrow. I got AF on Friday (on the plane, isn't that lovely? Flying for 7 hours with cramps) so today is the first day I can get a hold of them. They are BUS-Y. I have been on hold for 45 minutes already and there are still two calls ahead of me. So this week, back on BCP. This month will be a month of detox. Low alcohol, caffeine. I plan on working out still because I know once day 5 of the shots hit, I won't be able to. So February, the month of love, is when our next cycle will be.

So many things I want to do and have happen this year, 1) get pregnant and have a baby, 2)  find a new job, PT or FT but something I enjoy, 3) move meaning sell the condo and buy a house (and a brief side note to say I LOVE PINTEREST). Those don't seem so big or unattainable right? These are normal goals for most people.

I spoke of my good friend (also an IFer) back in this post whose pregnancy I was so happy about. She was actually pregnant with twins. A few days before Christmas at 24 weeks, she went into labor and had an emergency c-section and gave birth to two beautiful twin boys. Both in the NICU now but tough as nails. Man these kids are fighters. Already they have been through so much. Please include them in your prayers.

Hope the holiday season was good to you all.  Happy New Year!  I hope this year, is the year dreams come true. For everyone.