Yeah I want one of those

Today I went to see a good friend/ex co-worker friend who just had a baby girl. She had two sons already, 12 and 9 and always wanted to have one more and always wanted a girl. When she found out the sex, she was so happy. So today I went to see her. First I stopped at Baby GAP to get a present (P.S. everything in the store is 30% off this weekend; code is GAPFALL) and let me tell you they had the cutest stuff. The dresses for baby girls for the holidays were ridic and off the hook. Any little girl would be a true fashionista.

Anyway so when I got there, she had just got done feeding her and I got to hold her. She is perfect this baby. Perfect mix of her mom and dad. At three weeks old, no face trauma from labor or anything, great skin, just perfect. And she just let me hold her without making a peep just being her cute sleeping self. I looked down at her and thought I totally want one just like you.

I think I forget sometimes or put it in the back of my mind how MUCH I do want a baby. I downplay it almost. Like if I think about it too hard or too much, I'll jinx it and it will not happen. Right now, I let our every day lives, hanging with our friends, being into each other and making future plans without a baby take precedence in my mind. I just do not want to get obsessed with thinking about it all the time. And as much as I have been putting it in the back of my mind, I really felt it today, I WANT A BABY. It made me teary eyed looking at this baby and thinking I may not get one of these precious little beings. But it also made me more determined. To do whatever it takes to have one. Why am I waiting to do this again when this is what I want? I should be signing up to do it all again right now. But in my heart, I know the timing is just not right. I'm scared to rush into it again and perhaps, fail again.

I think I was a little naive about how I would feel about all this when starting IVF. That it would all be ok and just work out, it was just something we had to do and it wouldn't be that hard to deal with it and the emotion of it all. But it is hard. Way harder than I thought.  I know tomorrow, and a month from now, etc. it may not be as hard, but today it is.