Wednesday, August 31, 2011


One day past five day transfer...uneventful. A little cramping now and then but I know it is way to early to think anything or begin interpreting symptoms. I am still on the Crinone (progesterone) and today added the Vivelle patches. I am however feeling done with bed rest although I have another day and a half. Time to turn off the TV and read. Cannot wait until Friday to leave the house.

We heard from the embryologist (who is a horrible communicator) today and our last one did not make it.   It made me upset and I cried and lucky for me my husband works from home so we just sat and hugged for a bit. I am keeping in the front of mind this is happening to him too, he is just as disappointed and sad and needs as much consoling as I do. I could not do any of this without him. He is the most supportive, positive, amazing husband. We talked for a bit and we are not going to get down. Just keep moving forward. We have to remind ourselves, it is not in our control anymore and what will be, will be.

So we are focusing on the two little cuties inside of me. Cause this shit ain't over. It's just beginning.

But no matter what our beta day brings a positive or a negative, we know we always have each other. That is one of the most comforting things to know right now. Going through this is making us stronger, as a couple and as a family.  

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Waiting Place

Remember the Dr. Suess book, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" Typical college graduation gift, that book. And right now that one passage keeps jumping out at me...

you can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

That is where we are The Waiting Place. Not that fun let me tell you. But I am keeping my chin up. 

While waiting we talked to the embryologist. Not the best meeting ever. We found out that 6 actually fertilized not 5, but not that it mattered, there were only 3 as of today. We had one embryo which was rated fair and one morula which is not an embryo (stage prior) and cannot be graded. We have one morula left that they will monitor and grow another day. We went forward with transferring two and hoping the other one remaining makes it to freeze tomorrow.

The transfer went well. Except while waiting I had to slightly empty my bladder to relieve myself then chug some more water to fill it back up. I waited too long to take my valium so I was not that relaxed during the procedure. Damn speculum and it was cold. Pretty cool to watch. I cannot believe the transfer literally takes less than 3 minutes. I got to pee after (thank God), got dressed and then we were on our way.  I will say the car ride home was fun. We tried to stop to get a smoothie and I was walking like I was drunk and the place was closed due to a water issue.  I passed out when I got home. I'm feeling a little bloated and crampy and have gone to the bathroom like 6 times already.

I think at this point all we can rely on is hope one or maybe both will get comfy in their natural habitat and stay. I of course looked things up online to see any success stories and it is 50/50. So I'll have faith in  those two little beings inside. I believe in them. That they know we already love them and want them so bad and that they don't give up and are fighters just like their dad and me. I was raised Catholic and although I am not a big church goer, I do pray and believe religion is what you make of your relationship with God. And I have faith in Him. That he'll give us what we can handle, whatever it may be. 

There will be no early testing. It's out of our control so it doesn't matter we might as well wait. I'm going to concentrate on remaining positive and taking care of my body, which are the things in my control. 

Monday, August 29, 2011

I Love Ya tomorrow

you're only a day away.... Tomorrow is our transfer day and I am excited and ready! The embryos are moving into their new home  at approximately 6:40 am. We're hoping they want to stay and camp out for the next 36-40 weeks. We'll provide, food, entertainment, music, rest and a few Danish lessons.

Cannot believe it is so early. To get there, we'll have to get up at 5 to leave by 6. It will be an early morning but well worth it. And I am feeling like 155% percent better than Friday and Saturday. The retrieval really kicked my ass, and the swelling and bloated feeling is gone as well as most of the pain. I am interested to see how I will feel tomorrow. Stocked up on plenty of Tivo shows and Netflix and I am still reading one of my books so bring on the bedrest.

Saturday night my husband and I went out for a nice dinner to get out of the house. The place was good but the guy next to us was the loudest talker and a total nerd.  I mean he kept telling his wife his steak was "Sooooo delicious." like 50 times out loud, real loud. I thought something was wrong with him but basically I attributed it to either he was drunk, had a hearing issue or just a tool who was looking to get attention in a public place. His wife was very pregnant so I am sure this was their big night on the town otherwise I would have had my husband tell him to settle down. I still could not even believe his wife wasn't like "Lower your voice." Then he was talking about his job and him traveling and I was just wondering what he is like in his job and who would hire this guy. I didn't let it ruin our dinner but I did find it hard to talk to my husband when Loud Mouth was jabbering away.

Sunday we went to watch my 10 year old nephew's football game. The weather was beautiful. They lost which was a bummer. Then onto dinner with my parents and my sister and her family. That is one thing I am not looking forward to. Youth sports and more importantly, the politics of youth sports. Parents are drama. Everyone thinks their kid is the best, and if they don't get to play as much as they think they should, they just move them to a different team the following year. I guess you just have to play along and hope your kid is good, so you do not have to worry about it.

It is crazy to believe that tomorrow I will be technically pregnant. Science is weird. Our test date will be Friday 9/9, and I think we have decided we are not going to test early. Just gonna wait it out. But for me it is like Christmas, I love the anticipation, I am just hoping for the best present ever!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Pain Pain Go Away

Still in pain today. Which I cannot even believe. Bloated, swollen, sore. I didn't take anything for the pain before bed last night and at 5:30 this morning I had to take something. And then this morning just feel ick. Thank God for a Tuesday transfer! There it is again our lucky number 5 for 5 day transfer! So glad, I just do not want anything or anyone near my abdomen right now or tomorrow. I am hoping by Tues I am recovered from the retrieval. And I am glad to know our little embryos are behaving themselves at the lab and growing nicely.

We are going to try tonight to go out to dinner for steak. I do not mind the high protein diet knowing a good ol' steak is coming my way. Plus I need to get out of this house. I just hoping I am feeling ok. The other thing is I am so bloated my stomach fills up quick while eating. Whatever is going on down there and in there needs to stop.

Only drugs I am on right now are the baby aspirin and the Crinone cream. I'll finish my Zpack tomorrow from the retrieval. And I am so glad for no more shots!

So we are happy today! Dane and I gave each other the biggest hug after the lab called. And we are watching Liverpool (Dane's Favorite Premier League Soccer team) and they are winning. Happy Saturday!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Worse than I thought (the pain that is)

Yesterday was the retrieval. All went well. We left at 6:30 to get to the clinic by 8 as there were some traffic issues on the expressway we needed to take on the way there. I was actually pretty relaxed and was surprised it did not take long at all. We were home by 11. I was apparently chatty with the nurse when I got back to my room but do not remember it at all. We have 14 eggs and will find out later today how many fertilized.

I was a little unprepared for how much pain I was going to be in. The retrieval was cake but the pain is way worse than I thought. I have read so many blogs and no one really talked about the pain. I felt like kicked in the ovaries and that everything was twisted around in there. Thank God for Tylenol extra strength. I slept for about 2 hours when I got back then just took it easy. Watched a movie, and just laid. I was just uncomfortable and a lot of pressure. Drank my Gatorade and V-8 which I love and need to become a regular drinker of. And two of my besties sent us cupcakes from a very good bakery here in our city. Soo yum and such a nice surprise. My husband has been a very good caretaker.

I took shower before bed and took some hydrocodone. Then I got into bed and broke down. No clue where it came from but I just cried. My husband totally consoled me. I have actually kept my emotions in check for most of this process, but I think it came to a head last night. It was the standard, 'this sucks' and 'it is not fair' and I know it was coming more from the pain I was feeling than anything else. I feel fine now once I let it out. I slept well despite the crazy dreams the hydrocodone provided and today I am back to being ready for the next step. Bring it on.

And I will say this, I commend all of those women out there who are going through this with jobs and other kids of their own. You are all amazing for taking it all on and getting through it! And for some more than one time. I could not imagine going through this while having a job. Last fall I presented an opportunity to my company I had been with the last 8 years to lay me off but give me a severance package, unemployment, letter of rec., etc. In this economy, I know that voluntarily giving up your job is unheard of, but my time there was over and I was so not happy. Lucky for me they gave me everything I asked for and I was on my way. My husband and I have made small sacrifices for me not to work but our plan was to have a baby and for me to stay home instead of paying for daycare. Plus at 35, I am at the point in my life where I need to decide what to be when I grow up.  I had a job not a career and I wanted to take some time while doing the pregnancy/mom thing, to concentrate on finding a career once our kids were in school.  Then infertility hit us and IVF was the only option. I slightly panicked about the money, time commitment, and sacrifices but thankful it could be my primary focus without letting work get in the way.

I am actually pretty calm and not antsy at all waiting to hear what fertilized. I feel a bit better today but still feeling dull pain in the ovary areas. I think I am going to do some reading now and magazine flipping.

UPDATE: of course as I was about to post this the lab called. Of the 14 eggs, 8 were mature enough to fertilize and 5 fertilized. So we are working with 5. Which is my husband and I's favorite number. It only takes one so although I wish it were more, I will look to the positive and take what we can get.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Last call for Shots

Time for trigger shot(s) (two Ovidrel shots) tonight at 9 pm. Whoo hoo. Onward and upward to the next step. Just did my last Ganirelex. And I am ready for the retrieval, Thursday 8 am. Crazy to think conception of our possible future child(ren) may occur Thursday afternoon or Friday. I am just excited to hear how they will grow before the transfer.

I went to Target today and stocked up on things to do while I am on bedrest for the few days for both the retrieval and transfer. A true essential - the fall issue of Vogue as I need to know what is "in" this season.  Not necessarily to buy; just to be in the know. I love looking at the pages of Vogue. Even just the ads I like looking at. I also got InStyle, Martha Stewart Living and the new IKEA catalog just came - I like to flag the pages of things I may potentially like if we ever get out of this condo and into a house. And of course, two books  - one Jodi Piccoult, one Jennifer Weiner - mindless reading. I should be stocking up my Tivo too but I am going to try to not watch too much TV.

I'll give another update retrieval day and will be loving tomorrow with no shots!!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Who wants to be a Dane?

My husband has been talking to the eggs. This weekend he told them, "We will only take the biggest and the best, so grow." Today it was "Who wants to be a Dane?" (he is from Denmark.) Our spirits are high and the jokes are a plenty. I had an ultrasound today with my favorite tech Liz. She is so nice. I hope I get her again tomorrow. There are 11 eggs - 6 on the right - 19, 17.8, 17.5, 17.1, 14.2 and 10.1 and 5 on the left - 23.3, 22.9, 18.2, 9.4 and 9.1 and I have to go back tomorrow. I am getting antsy to get this trigger shot done already and start some procedures. I am impatient. I can only imagine the 2WW.

My sister gave me my shot yesterday. She is a nurse s she totally knew what she was doing. My husband took her kids early to the baseball game we went to. It was a beautiful night for watching baseball. Perfect temperature. I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up at 3 feeling crampy and nauseous and was up for about an hour. I feel bad because my husband knows when I am awake, then he is awake. So we both slept like crap. I should be taking in as much sleep as I can right now, because I am hoping in 9 months, I'll be missing that sleep.

Every day this is just becoming more real that this pregnancy can really happen.  And it may even be more than 1. I am not thinking I may be a mom yet. Just I may have a pregnancy. Which is foreign to me. I have never been pregnant, at least not that I know of. It just does not seem real. I am starting to get anxiety about the fertilization on whether or not our eggs and sperms will be good together. So to keep my sanity, I have to tell myself one step at a time. No need to get ahead of myself. It's not a race.

I have been totally looking at baby stuff online. We are going to Denmark (and another undecided European city) this Christmas and I told my husband I plan on buying many Danish baby things while I am there: bedding, clothing, anything that may strike my fancy. And I am secretly hoping I am buying things for two babies.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Sunday Funday

The weekend has been good. Friday night we went to one of the neighborhood summer fests in our city. I actually had fun despite not drinking. We got home around 11 and got to bed around midnight. We had to get up Saturday morning to go the burbs for my ultrasound and bloodwork. Our city clinic is not open on the weekends. It was so crowded and a long wait and not as up to date as the city spot is. The tech was hilarious, a man and from NYC so we had a nice chat. It still amazes me when going to the clinic how many women are affected by IF and how different everyone is - all shapes, sizes, ages, nationalities, sexual orientations. And I feel it is becoming a topic people are talking more openly about. At least I am.

We got back to the city and I headed over to have brunch with my friends and their kids at one of our friend's houses. It was so fun. All the kids were so cute and no meltdowns, fights etc. Three of my friends are pregnant with their second so my hope is I will be there right along with them.  After I got home, my husband and I did not do anything the rest of the day or night. I just feel sore, bloated, crampy, puffy so we just stayed in watched a few movies.

So apparently I should not bet in Vegas. No trigger shot tonight like I thought, maybe tomorrow. My drug protocol is still the same, Menopur, Gonal F, Ganirelex so maybe after my results tomorrow I'll be ready. Still 8 big ol eggs growning away. I didn't get measurements or numbers, I was at the brunch when they called and really what is the point as I am going back Mon. I'm glad the stim phase is almost over,  I want these eggs to come out and see what gets fertilized.

Today I am about to make us a nice breakfast and then we are going to lay by our pool, just my Husby and me. He has not been swimming because of his surgery then just being busy so it will be nice to relax. Then tonight, off to see our home team play some baseball with my sister and her family.

I'll give an update tomorrow...have a great summer Sunday!!!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Day 6 Update

Things are moving slowly but surely. So they measured 8 follicles today (5 on my right at 8.7, 9.0, 9.3, 10.9, 11.2 and 3 on the left 9.2, 15, 15.2) but the tech mentioned (or maybe assumed) there were a few more small ones. I hope we get a lot.  I am hoping for at least 15 as I know most likely all will not be mature and all will not fertilize. Trying not to stress about it, again I have no control over it and stress is not good right now. I am adding the Ganirelix tonight for what I am assuming is to ensure I do not ovulate early. Back on Saturday for an ultrasound and blood work. If I had to guess, I am would put my money on a trigger shot Sunday night with my retrieval on Tuesday. All speculation and estimates on my part. Hmmmm wonder if I will be right. Slightly bummed I have to go out to the burbs as the city clinic is not open but it is what it is and I will be there early enough to beat any sort of traffic there and back.

I've been feeling achy and crampy today in the ovarian region. I was going to go for a long walk again today but maybe just a short one. My friend and her 17 month year old son came over today to swim. We live in a high rise condominium so it is nice we have a pool. He was soooo cute and such a good boy and of course it is always nice to catch up with a friend. Seems harder these days with my friends who are my age as everyone has kids and it is summer so everyone is soo busy.

Pretty boring today, the anticipation of all this is building up however. I am just ready for the 2 week wait already. I'll give another update on Saturday. Hope everyone is doing well and feeling well.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Day 4

Ultrasound #1 and blood work were today. I was a little confused by what the nurse said but it seems I have 10 follicles and they measured 5. 3 in my left ovary at 9.7, 9.6 and 9.7 and 2 in my right at 7.6 and 7.3. Maybe the remaining 5 were either not measured or still too small to measure? Not sure, going to find out/ask Thursday when I go for my next one. Estradiol is 167 which I believe for now is good. We'll see as it gets higher.

I would have to say since I started I feel the best today. I refrained from taking any pain medicine and my headaches are gone today. I did however resort to having a cup of coffee in assisting with my digestive issues I have had since I started but I am feeling as normal as I can and less bloated.

Same protocol to continue Menopur and Gonal F which is good seeing as my husband is gone tomorrow traveling so I need to give the shot to myself. I usually do not watch when he injects it so it will be an interesting experience with me doing it to myself for the first time.

I think mentally I am feeling best today too. Yesterday I went for a 4 mile walk which I find funny because when I run I never go farther than 3. But it was nice to clear my head and I am lucky to have the time to do it because currently I am not working. We live close to the lake path in our city so it was nice to stop and sit and watch the lake for a bit before heading back. I did cry a little but it was more about that I am thankful we are able to do this, and have the means to do this  and how I believe it my heart it is going to work, and how I am over the fact that we HAVE to do this. The whole thing is a roller coaster and today I am feeling on the down. Screaming, happy, excited. Things seem to be working so far and I am feeling positive.

My heart really goes out to anyone who has to go through any infertility issues. It really is so hard to explain the feelings unless you have had to deal with it in some way. I find myself lucky to know that we are here now and it has been a pretty quick trip to get here.  And that we haven't had some of the bumps in the roads and disappointments that so many others I have read about  (or know) have had. I am sending all of my prayers and good wishes to all those couples out there going through this that they stay strong and positive and stick together. Most important I will remain hopeful that we all become parents and have beautiful healthy families no matter how long it takes or the craziness we have to go through to get it.

On a funny note, my husband keeps calling me a Polish Hen. Which is funny because neither of us are Polish (I am Filipino/German and my husband is 100% Danish) but recently we were at the Wisconsin State Fair and we saw these hens there. The funniest things about them is they look like they are wearing white helmuts like white afros and some of their feathers even made them look as if they were in an 80's hair band. We were just dying laughing watching them. So in producing all these eggs I am now this hen.

My Interpretation of the Nude Model

The guy we painted on Saturday at the Bachelorette party was actually very good looking and had a great body. Too bad I ruined it by not having an ounce of artistic ability in me.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Like Riding a Bike

So shot #1 and shot #2 done. I was a little frazzled on Saturday. I just had a crazy day. After the shower, I came home and napped for an hour then rushed out to get to Bachelorette Party #1.  It was raining here, and the traffic downtown was so busy. I finally got a cab and it had to be the cab driver 's the first day.  I had to direct him to the quickest path home because I had a 15-30 min window before my husband had to leave to do this shot. I wanted to tell him "Get a GPS, this is a major city, learn how to get around." So I finally got home frazzled but it all went fine. My husband just has a good way of calming me down and letting me know everything is ok. He is definitely the more laid back one, I am the more uptight one. But after doing it step by step (taking Menopur and Gonal-F) and mixing both together to do one shot, it was fine.

After the shot I headed to Bachelorette Party #2 which was so fun. Painting a nude model. Once I figure out how to upload pictures to this, I'll upload the masterpiece. I felt fine, twinges in my abdomen and felt bloated but then had a headache all night and could not drink enough water. I got home around 2:30 and I felt wide awake but went to sleep about a half hour after.

Sunday I still had the headache, I think I can take Tylenol but I am just trying to push through it without taking anything.  I got up at 7:30 to make this zucchini pie for brunch. I had some time in between and was just watching TV with my husband and totally started crying. Like a full on cry. I could not believe it. Then was fine.  I think the cry was more for I am scared about that this is doing to my body but just have to keep reminding myself. This is temporary. Headed to brunch after dinner. After that ran to get stuff to make dinner and came home and slept for 3 hours. I could not even believe it especially for not drinking the night before. I was so tired though and was still able to go to bed last night at 10.

I made dinner then did shot #2 and now I feel like an old pro. And today I woke up no headache. And I feel good. I think I'll go for a long walk. Tomorrow is ultrasound and blood work to see how it is going. I'll update then.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Today is the big day

Shot #1 and I am lucky that I have such a busy day I can't really think about it too much. I have watched about 30 videos online to make sure I do it correctly. We had our drug training/orientation over a month ago so I needed a review. But my day is to a wedding shower for a lovely friend of mine then home to change and off to Bachelorette Party #1 for a different friend. Then home to do my shot then off to Bachelorette Party #2 for the shower girl. We are actually going to a gallery to paint a nude male at that party. I think it is going to be hilarious. Can't wait, I'll post a pic later this week of my final picture.

I drank my last drink last night...just a cider during dinner. Weird to think no caffeine or alcohol for possible 9 months + but I will survive. It is really not much to give up for what we are going to get in return.

I'm very excited to start!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Baseline Check

Last night was such a nice night with my husband. Our meal was amazing and so was the wine. It is one of the places where the meal is more about an experience than just the food. Just a nice evening.

Today was my baseline ultrasound and blood work. Always uncomfortable during the ultrasound but you just work through it. I actually saw a girl I went to high school with at the clinic today. I came in and sat with my back to her. I did not want to make her feel uncomfortable. Her and her partner actually just had a baby boy over a year ago (we are friends on FB) and I am guessing she is back for another round.

Lunch with my parents today and then errands for all the happenings this weekend. It's a friend's wedding shower and bachelorette party. During the break, I'll give myself shot #1. Exciting stuff.

I'm just feeling happy today. I love days like that. Driving home from the doctor office I had the windows down and the sunroof open because the temperature is perfect. Have a great day everyone.

Joys Truly

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Date Night

So since my last post, I have decided to write a blog, then not write a blog then apparently write one again. Well see how long this lasts.

I think it is funny to identify ourselves as infertile. I read so many blogs where it is many folks identities. I think unlike others, our journey is just beginning, it's like the first steps when you try naturally for the first few months.  It's just something we have to do instead. So I am not going to identify with anything.  I just want to be me going through my life path that is now laid out before me.

Husband had his TESE/MESA. All went well, we have sperm! And they are safely residing in a freezer at our IVF lab just waiting to make-out with some of my eggs. It was one of my biggest fears as there were no guarantees there would be any but there was and we are happy! The whole thing was funny, showing up with a small cooler then them handing it to me with half of my potential offspring then into the hands of the lab courier. Just weird but done. Follow-up appointment was today and it seems Husband is back in business.

This past weekend I had a fun girls night on Friday night and was extremely hungover Saturday. I will not be missing that part of drinking at all. Then Husband and I escaped for a night to a nearby city for some fun. We hit the State Fair, a nice dinner with good food and wine and just a beautiful night.

And tonight is my date with my hubs to the hottest restaurant ticket in town. Cannot wait! I see it as my last hurrah of indulging before I pay serious respect and attention to our first cycle of IVF. I am feeling excited and scared so just going to enjoy the night with the husband.

I am feeling good and positive. Much better than my last post. Now onto step two, tomorrow's baseline ultrasound, etc. My first shot starts Saturday. I am not so concerned about the actual shot but the mixing of the medicines and the fact I need to squeeze it in between two bachelorette parties I am attending.

Until next time,
Joys Truly