Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Bad Day with a Delay

Sorry I have been MIA everyone. I have been reading your blogs but slacking in the commenting. I plan on catching up this week. I have not been too busy just feeling blah I guess. I started looking for a part-time job. So far so good. I actually had an interview with our Chamber of Commerce that I thought went well and will find out this week if I got it. I have an interview with a bridal shop Sunday. Slowly but surely hopefully I will be back to working. I miss some things about it.

Thanksgiving was good. My aunt who had been living in Turkey for the last 25 years (she was in the military) has moved back to the States and spent it with us.  Great to see her and to catch up. I was thankful for having my family and friends. And I really did not let the non baby thing phase me. I am proud to say I am about 40% done with Xmas shopping. Need to get it all done before the 19th before we jet off to Denmark.

Yesterday was my second acupuncture session. I swear it is relaxing but after I just felt weird. Kind of on edge. I was suppose to go to the movies and decided not to because I was just not in the mood anymore. And the mood carried itself into today.

Today was my yearly exam at my gyne. He's been on my shit list as they have cancelled and rescheduled this appointment 5 times. Yes, 5. Lucky for them my schedule is flexible. I did forget how much I like him as a doctor. But today was just not a good day. From the time I woke up I was just still crabby and I knew today was not going to be a good day. Maybe it is because I am getting AF, maybe the holidays and my birthday around the corner I just don't know. I didn't go to my normal morning spin and I got in a huge fight with my husband before I left. So I was already twirly when I got into to see the doctor. He asked me how I was and I answered ok and then broke down crying. I had not done that in awhile.  And as much as I really let the baby thing role off my back most of the time, today it just came to the surface. I have been ignoring it too long and pushing it to the back of my mind. January seemed so far away and now it is around the corner. Even when I read your blogs. I ignore my own scenario and concentrate on all of your stories.

We talked about my first IVF round and just how I am feeling about everything. And I think I am not as ok with everything as I thought. He did suggest a maybe talking to someone and gave me a therapist recommendation and luckily she also works PT at my RE's office. So someone to talk to plus an advocate at the office, perhaps that may be good. I think I need it. Also, we discussed I need to lose weight and before the next round. So I think I am now pushing the round off until February instead of January. I am just not feeling mentally ready again yet, and definitely not physical. And I have the greatest of gifts of having our insurance pay for two more rounds, I am not blowing another chance because I am in a rush to make this happen. I know it seems cowardly, at least to me, but I failed the first time because I wasn't ready and didn't believe so I am scared if I cannot get my head around this 100% why do it again. It is worse enough the sperms and eggs and the rest of our bodies don't care to cooperate, but the mind is the worse part of this to not control.

Anyhow, at my appointment I asked him about my RE, if there were others he would recommend... He told me to definitely do another round with my RE, but he felt if this round does not work and we get no frozen embryos again, I should think about going to CCRM and Schoolcraft.  Which just made me feel sick to think about. But I am putting that out of my mind, no need to be getting ahead of myself.

I think the funniest thing about the whole appointment is I was completely unfazed during the pap. I was like, "Oh, you're done?" Walk in the park compared to the IVF cycle ultrasounds.

When I got home, hubby and I made up and talked about my appointment. He's on board with February.

Sorry for the long rambling post...I probably should be be blogging more, even with nothing going on in cycle land.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Stopping the "What If" theory

Tuesday night I went out to eat with two of my lovely friends. The place we went to was great, good martinis and Italian tapas. I regretted the splurging a bit at spin this morning. Anyway, one of my friends met a guy about 2 months ago. He lives in a different state and we were debating on whether or not she should invite him to our Friends Thanksgiving in Dec. So she had some reservations (all for good reasons) but I told her, "If someone ever ask me for one bit of dating advice, I would say "Stop living in the What If" and just do it. Take a chance." I dated for a very long time before meeting my husband. A few serious relationships in my twenties but spent three years in my thirties, on and off on I dated all sorts of guys; it makes me soooo mad I did not document it all better, it would have made for a great book. Anyhow, I love that I can give that bit of advice NOW but was so clueless when I was dating.

And then I started thinking about other things and I live in the "What If" all the time! I think everyone does in some ways to weigh out options in any type of decision making. But it is when it prevents us from truly living and experiencing where it gets complicated and when we are afraid. It makes me mad at myself. Like I am not living enough in the now because I am constantly worried about the future, trying to prevent anything bad from happening. I am doing it in my career choices or lack there of, my relationships, all over the place. So my New Year's resolution came early. I need to stop waiting for things to happen because of "What If" and just start do things, taking chances and stop trying to control everything. Because it really is no way to live.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Acupuncture - First Visit

So my first acupuncture visit was yesterday and a success. Really good. The woman is so nice and came recommended by a friend. The first needle that went into my right foot between my big toe and second toe hurt, like a dull pain, then it felt like blood rushing through so I guess it was working. Another in my ankle, same on the left foot, three in my abdomen, one in each of my thumbs, wrists and ears.  I felt very relaxed. I had a headache come and go throughout it but I was fine after. I am excited to go back. Three more weeks then I will go once a week regularly until the at least the end of my next IVF cycle.

Which much to my excitement, I found out today our insurance covers three rounds of IVF not two as I thought. It makes me even more hopeful and very happy.  I have been trying to do the math on when my cycle can start in January but it looks as though we may still be in Europe at the date of the start of my shots. Hmm, have to figure that out. I guess worse case it would be February.

Other than that, boring over here in IF land.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Can you believe it is November already? I swear summer was yesterday. Glad to gear up for my favorite holiday Thanksgiving! And then J and I's bdays mid December and then Denmark for Christmas.

Just trying to get all my ducks in row prior to the madness. First, going to see my gyne this month for the good old annual.  Like there has not been enough going on down there this year. I really want to give him an update on how our IVF round went and just let him know our future plan. Also talk to him a bit about our RE. I think if the next round fails, we will move to a different doctor and place. Also, my first go at acupuncture is next week. I spoke with a friend who had a successful third round and she used acupuncture. She transferred three and did get pregnant and has the cutest baby girl. She had a natural birth, no drugs or anything but she thinks her labor went so fast and so well because she had acupuncture that morning. So hopefully it is something that works for me and I can continue to use even after IVF. I think this baby thing is stressing me out more than I think. I recently got fitted for a mouthguard at the dentist because I have been grinding my teeth. And I can tell I have been clenching my jaw. So hopefully between the acupuncture and the guard, I can get to a place of zen. Because I really cannot think what else is stressing me out.

Lots of talk this last week about next year. J and I talked today about our FSA and how much money we want to put in for next year. Lucky for us our insurance will cover one more IVF round but then we are on our own money wise paying for any future rounds.  I wish I could just see into the future.

I met my friend Dru last night for dinner. We go way back. He was a client of mine at my old job and then he moved to the city where I live and we became friends. He and his partner were the ushers in my wedding. He works for a bank and may be looking for a contractor to do some work for them and he is thinking of using me. It wouldn't be till early next year and it would probably only be for 6 months maybe so it is a win win for both of us. Hope it panes out. Not working can be BOR_ING. Great to be able to do what you want some of the days but I think I just miss the social aspect of working. And a new challenge with new people would be nice.

I am kind of hoping 2012 gets here as fast as fall did from summer. I know I am mentally ready for what ever lies ahead and I am excited again. Even excited for injections!