IF - KEEP OUT

I've been wanting to blog some more these last few days but our Mac needed fixing so we took it to the Apple doctor. We got it back and all is good back in our household. I just hate blogging from my phone and the iPad. The keyboard is just not the same and neither is navigating web pages.

What a few days it has been for us. We had our second beta yesterday at 14dp5dt and it was 713. We have our third one Friday and hopefully our first ultrasound next Tuesday and Wednesday to see the sacs before we leave for vacation.  I'm feeling good.  My cramps finally subsided. But my boobs get sorer by the day and I am very lucky that I have had no spotting. Hungry and tired. Sleep has been an issue. I think the first few days it was the excitement but I now think it is anxiety. Not about the pregnancy as much, I cannot believe it but I can keep that at bay, but more for getting everything done in 9 months. My therapist and I talked about it yesterday so I am working on it and I hope today at acupuncture she can do something too.

It's hard to believe a week ago I was on the roller coaster of doubt. Last Tuesday and Friday (before we got the news) were bad days for me consumed with next steps for another cycle, how this cycle did not work. J always had a good feeling and I would say 80% of the time I would too but that 20% still got me. And even though I know this pregnancy can change at any point I am just trying to live in the moment. Am I scared at times? Of course, but no more than anyone else pregnant for the first time. I know IF can bring so much more into that but I am just not letting it. My husband told me his biggest fear was always just getting pregnant but once I was it would be fine. And all signs are pointing to fine right now. Every step provides a little more reassurance. Another beta, the first ultrasound, another ultrasound, etc. I know once we have an ultrasound I will feel better but no matter what we see, it doesn't give us a guarantee. But I do know that I refuse to not let IF at this point ruin any of our excitement and hopes. And most of all my happiness.

And I still hate it every day with more followers and reading more stories, how this is affecting so many of us. How it is unfair and a bunch of bullshit when others around us look at each other and get pregnant. Even after getting a BFP, you don't forget. You don't forget the struggle. And I am not forgetting about any of your struggles and how I hope for everyone that you just get pregnant and get those babies and have those families we dream of.